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Varicose Barbie

varicose-barbie

Once upon a time there was a Barbie.

And this Barbie led a pretty swell life. Especially swollen was her lower left leg due to varicosities which fed off the faulty valves of her bum greater saphenous vein, running from groin to ankle.

varicose-barbie-iambossy

varicose-barbie-iambossy-close

Varicose veins are not about being vain as much as they are about pain, given the fact the bundles of ineffectual fleshy veins tend to cluster in uncomfortable locations where one has to manage unimportant things, such as bending the knee.

Eight years ago, Varicose Barbie had an O.R. procedure known as vein stripping, which called for the surgical removal of her greater saphenous vein in the right leg — but since then the issue came calling in her other leg, and just in time for a less invasive procedure, known as Saphenous Vein Ablation.

varicose-vein-ablation

When selecting her vascular surgeon, Varicose Barbie went directly to the top of the heap. She selected the guy who is head of his department and before that head of Harvard Medical School and before that head of the universe.

varicose-vein-surgeon

Which is why Varicose Barbie was particularly delighted to discover the person actually performing her procedure was just a medical student:

varicose-vein-fellow

But in no time at all, where no time equals the underestimation of local anesthetic application followed by the awkward threading of catheter through vein and an unfortunate hitting of nerve, the procedure was complete and Varicose Barbie was told to apply a compression stocking to prevent blood from finding this greater saphenous vein until such time as it becomes fully collapsed.

compression-stocking-iambossy

Fast forward through one wrestling of the compression stocking alligator, and there was Varicose Barbie, every inch of her leg covered by the black stocking — which cost in dollars a number proportionate to the number of days Bossy lost from her life trying to apply this instrument of torture.

compression-stocking-application

Exhausted and sore, Varicose Barbie found herself at home, with her stockinged leg elevated, watching cable:

watching-TV

And all was fine, until Varicose Barbie tucked herself in bed for the night:

iambossy-in-bed

Because it was in her bed that Varicose Barbie’s heel and Achilles tendon filled with fluid which resulted in a white hot ache very similar to the gunshot wound Varicose Barbie spent her life avoiding.

pacing-floors

Another day passed thus, and finally Varicose Barbie decided to phone her surgeon’s office:

iambossy-calling

And her surgeon’s office was extremely accommodating, where accommodating equals they told her to take two Motrin and call on Monday. Also, it was only Thursday.

doctor-office-call

Luckily the next day Varicose Barbie’s father recommended she remove her compression stocking for a few hours and elevate her leg above her heart, allowing the excess fluid to drain. Varicose Barbie was only too happy to comply, especially the part about removal of her Oppression Stocking. Fluid drainage, not so much.

compression-stocking-remove

This unrestricted time passed all too quickly for Varicose Barbie, and unfortunately it was time for the reapplication of her Suppression Stocking. And then the sad and exhausted Varicose Barbie found herself in the bathroom mirror, readying herself for an ill-timed dance party at her friend Martha’s house:

barbie-applies-makeup

But once at this party, a strange thing happened: Varicose Barbie felt better for the first time in days! And Varicose Barbie ate and drank and danced into the wee hours of the night!

iambossy-dance-party

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Varicose Barbie looks more like a Varicose Mary Kate &/or Ashley. And it seems to me that by the time a fellow becomes a Fellow, he should have had a fair amount of experience addressing various varicosities.

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  2. I hope the Varicose Barbie is doing alright by now. The fluids drained out and the whatever stocking off the leg, looking sexy and ready to take over the world. Go Barbie!

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  3. Gosh – what a soap opera!! I cannot believe the drama and the tension (and the attention to detail in this Barbie meets King Kong/Giant Dog meets e.r. meets Nip Tuck drama).

    Honestly Bossy/Barbie – I don’t know HOW you do it? But I DO wonder if you are writing the script for Charlie Sheen’s real life? Go on. Spill.
    🙂
    BB

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  4. This story was WAY more entertaining that the commercials during the super bowl ! Sorry to hear about your V vains 🙁

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  9. Varicose picture story– vari funny, Bossy.
    And gotta say about Dr.-you-didn’t-get– what a shirt tie combo.

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  10. I am so glad the experience ended in a dance party! My friend has had this procedure done twice, and each time she is back in the saddle immediately, going to spin class and pilates and running, completely against doctor’s orders. Clearly that’s the fastest way to heal.

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  11. Barbie, errr Bossy looks great! And I’m so glad she/you had fun at party. I too, danced the night away, and my plantar fasciitis foot is still complaining. Freaking feet

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  19. Wow Bossy, my hubby is going in next week for this very same procedure.

    Although, his procedure will be performed by Varicose Barbie…. so you would have to switch the dolls around!

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  20. Ouchies! That was a mighty cute (naked) fellow performing the procedure. I’d be a little worried about keeping the field sterile with a naked doc, though….

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  21. I think the role of Varicose Barbie might have been played by Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen for this evenings performance!

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  23. Ah, poor varicose Barbie. I have spider veins which I always thought were varicose veins. I believe it’s an inheritance. Wonder if they will tax that some day at 55%?

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  24. If medical fellows looked and dressed like that, I’d find more reasons to go the hospital. Hell, I’d volunteer as a candy striper.

    Btw, I tried to send you a “get well” e-card last week but it was just an epic fail so, um, “Get Well Soon!”

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  25. I don’t know. It looked like Varicose Barbie was being played by one of the Olsen Twins who was channelling Lindsey “no pants” Lohan. (And isn’t it a bit frightening that we can all recognize which “star” a hunk of plastic is supposed to be?)

    Hope you are back on your feet soon and please try to remember not to confuse your compression stocking with duct tape – or you will be giving yourself a heck of a “wax job” trying to take that off.

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  26. I really think Mattel should take note of this new Barbie. They could expand their ideal market by about, oh, 40 years or so. : )

    BTW – around the parts we refer to them as “Vari-gross veins”. My father-in-law has had his worked on a number of times, finally going in for the surgery where they actually remove whole sections. He said it was the best decision he’d made in years. Of course he had a pretty extreme case.

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  28. AWESOME!
    NOTHING MORE UPLIFTING THAN HUMOR IN A BAD SITUATION!
    LOVED THE BARBIE IMPERSONATION! DO WE HEAR OSCAR FOR BARBIE!
    YAY!!!!

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  30. That Barbie’s face looks just like one of the Olsen twins. I don’t know which one. Were the Olsen twins really Barbie Olsen triplets?

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  32. I certainly hope Veri Barbie is doing well by now. Her veins scared me. They looked gangrenious. Black and all…
    Procedures are awful, Barbie…

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  34. Tune in next week when Barbie undergoes retina reattachment surgery due to an unfortunate self-mutilation incident with a grossly over sized mascara wand.

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  37. Wow, that sounds like hell. Can’t believe they let a med student do the procedure. (Makes me wonder who took out my gallbladder, the janitor?) Gotta say tho: loved the Barbie recreation.

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  39. I think Varicose Barbie does look a lot like Bossy. But to take the time and find such an experienced doctor, then get stuck with a Fellow? Wow. Hope it all works out well, and I’m sure Mr. Bossy likes the no pants bare butt look wandering around the bedroom.

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  41. The Varicose Barbie on the phone pic will undoubtedly find its way to a compression stocking fetish website before long. (Glad she’s recovering though. Good thing it was at least a fellow and not just a fella.)

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  42. I know medical establishments are trying to cut costs, but an old clarinet case for an operating table?, and no clothes for the doctors, err…fellows? And maybe health care reform needs to include free take-home panties for the patients? Glad they didn’t compress Bossy’s sense of humor.

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  43. I like the idea of a varicose operation… think they will throw in a tummy tuck too (after my 150 pound weight loss I really really need it)… (well in 90 more pounds and don’t you hate all the Parens?). Are varicose veins a cosmetic procedure or a medical one? (oh and a throat life)
    Hope Bossy and her kefir and Vodka a re felling better. I heard that you are going to get the next SNOW punch today./ tomorrow.. We’re in one of our seasons… mudlsides here in Calif. Ugh rain rain go away as Bossy needs to party ay!

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  44. Oh noes, Bossy. You are making me super scared. I have to go in for this same procedure sometime this month (first time ever)! Crap. Crap, crap, crapcrapcrap.

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  46. Barbie could have some WILD PHONE SEXXX wiff that telefono. It’s the size of a Ken doll! Just sayin’!

    Hmmm…but those buttons might leave some burns…what the hell am I talking about? I chut uh…NOW!

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  53. Oh you poor thang! You’ve really been through the ringer. How could they under-anesthetize you? You should definately get a discount.

    Your Varicose Barbie was hilarious! I laughed out loud, yes, I did. She even looks like you. I feel sad for Varicose Bossy Barbie. Hope you feel better.

    Your last two posts have been EXCEPTIONAL!

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  56. Oh wow – poor Vericose Barbie – how did she know when she should go???? Did she have pain? Or just didn’t like the way it looked???

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  58. I was away yesterday and missed this marvelous Tale of Brave, d Now-Restored Barbie. Everybody above has already said all the quips I thought of while reading it. So I”ll just grin and say “Kudos, Bossy!” for another excellent round of Barbie Theater.
    Loved the back drop of Stella in the operating room. And no, I didn’t notice it til you pointed it out.
    Who plays (used to play?) clarinet?

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  59. Man! I had to have my greater saphenous vein cut and tied off b/c I had almost 3 feet of clotted said vein. It was hellacious. AND, I had to wear those g’da#^ miserable compression hose when I was pregnant. I referred to them as instruments of torture, and I meant it. I used to cry putting them on. I would use pregnancy as an excuse for the crying, but I’m pretty sure I would have cried anyway. I hate those motherwhatters. Hang in there!

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  60. Bossy, thank you for letting us laugh through Varicose Barbie’s pain. Very well done. So sorry for the need. Dancing is the best revenge.

    Junebug, I have had spider veins since about 13. Asked family doc way back when – answer “fair skinned and hereditary.” No pain, not bulgy. Just stare at me if I let them out of clothes and notice.

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  61. I hope you are feeling better. Perhaps a post-office visit to the Nude Fellow will make you feel better? (Really, he must be a tremendously good doctor to get all of that done with no head on which to locate some eyes; he’s definitely a doctor at a disadvantage!)

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  63. Please promise you will tell more stories using Barbies, that was hilarious! (the use of the Barbies, not the leg thing, which, OUCH). Although I was immediately saddened to realize that I knew at first glance that the heroine of this story was a Mary Kate or Ashley doll, not a Barbie. Clearly I spend way too much time in the doll aisle at Target with a certain 4 year old girl.

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  64. If I ever have to have surgery I hope a naked Fellow with washboards does my surgery. Heck, I wouldn’t wear panties either!

    Me thinks Barbie danced her feet to stubs judging from the last picture of her. Can’t be good.

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  65. 1. Dude, the dog! That’s all I could focus on at first.
    2. You, I mean “Barbie,” have a rather nice ass.
    3. I’ve worked with a few Fellows in the past I would like to have seen nekkid. Preferably with a head however,
    4. How is it I just realized your Twitter profile says you are in Philly? Really? I had no idea you were so easy for me to stalk!

    Reply

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  70. Yesterday, while I was at work, my cousin stole my iPad and tested to see if it can survive a twenty five foot drop, just so she can be a youtube sensation. My apple ipad is now broken and she has 83 views. I know this is totally off topic but I had to share it with someone!

    Reply

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