Once upon a time there was a Barbie.
And this Barbie led a pretty swell life. Especially swollen was her lower left leg due to varicosities which fed off the faulty valves of her bum greater saphenous vein, running from groin to ankle.
Varicose veins are not about being vain as much as they are about pain, given the fact the bundles of ineffectual fleshy veins tend to cluster in uncomfortable locations where one has to manage unimportant things, such as bending the knee.
Eight years ago, Varicose Barbie had an O.R. procedure known as vein stripping, which called for the surgical removal of her greater saphenous vein in the right leg — but since then the issue came calling in her other leg, and just in time for a less invasive procedure, known as Saphenous Vein Ablation.
When selecting her vascular surgeon, Varicose Barbie went directly to the top of the heap. She selected the guy who is head of his department and before that head of Harvard Medical School and before that head of the universe.
Which is why Varicose Barbie was particularly delighted to discover the person actually performing her procedure was just a medical student:
But in no time at all, where no time equals the underestimation of local anesthetic application followed by the awkward threading of catheter through vein and an unfortunate hitting of nerve, the procedure was complete and Varicose Barbie was told to apply a compression stocking to prevent blood from finding this greater saphenous vein until such time as it becomes fully collapsed.
Fast forward through one wrestling of the compression stocking alligator, and there was Varicose Barbie, every inch of her leg covered by the black stocking — which cost in dollars a number proportionate to the number of days Bossy lost from her life trying to apply this instrument of torture.
Exhausted and sore, Varicose Barbie found herself at home, with her stockinged leg elevated, watching cable:
And all was fine, until Varicose Barbie tucked herself in bed for the night:
Because it was in her bed that Varicose Barbie’s heel and Achilles tendon filled with fluid which resulted in a white hot ache very similar to the gunshot wound Varicose Barbie spent her life avoiding.
Another day passed thus, and finally Varicose Barbie decided to phone her surgeon’s office:
And her surgeon’s office was extremely accommodating, where accommodating equals they told her to take two Motrin and call on Monday. Also, it was only Thursday.
Luckily the next day Varicose Barbie’s father recommended she remove her compression stocking for a few hours and elevate her leg above her heart, allowing the excess fluid to drain. Varicose Barbie was only too happy to comply, especially the part about removal of her Oppression Stocking. Fluid drainage, not so much.
This unrestricted time passed all too quickly for Varicose Barbie, and unfortunately it was time for the reapplication of her Suppression Stocking. And then the sad and exhausted Varicose Barbie found herself in the bathroom mirror, readying herself for an ill-timed dance party at her friend Martha’s house:
But once at this party, a strange thing happened: Varicose Barbie felt better for the first time in days! And Varicose Barbie ate and drank and danced into the wee hours of the night!
Mel saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 3:01 am
Varicose Barbie looks more like a Varicose Mary Kate &/or Ashley. And it seems to me that by the time a fellow becomes a Fellow, he should have had a fair amount of experience addressing various varicosities.
Lively saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 4:25 am
I hope the Varicose Barbie is doing alright by now. The fluids drained out and the whatever stocking off the leg, looking sexy and ready to take over the world. Go Barbie!
Bush Babe (of Granite Glen) saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 6:15 am
Gosh – what a soap opera!! I cannot believe the drama and the tension (and the attention to detail in this Barbie meets King Kong/Giant Dog meets e.r. meets Nip Tuck drama).
Honestly Bossy/Barbie – I don’t know HOW you do it? But I DO wonder if you are writing the script for Charlie Sheen’s real life? Go on. Spill.
Theresa in Alberta saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 7:53 am
This story was WAY more entertaining that the commercials during the super bowl ! Sorry to hear about your V vains 🙁
Marinka saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 8:02 am
Poor Varicose Barbie!
I don’t understand how she looks both like Bossy and one of the Olsen twins, though.
Cat saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:14 am
Varicose Barbie looks just like Bossy which makes me think this story might be about her and not about Barbie at all.
Meg at the Members Lounge saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:30 am
Glad to see BOSSY back in top form with a compelling Barbie theater post! Feel better!
SusanS saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:31 am
Was the Fellow really nude during the procedure??!! Oh my!
Diane G saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:40 am
Varicose picture story– vari funny, Bossy.
And gotta say about Dr.-you-didn’t-get– what a shirt tie combo.
dgm saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:42 am
I am so glad the experience ended in a dance party! My friend has had this procedure done twice, and each time she is back in the saddle immediately, going to spin class and pilates and running, completely against doctor’s orders. Clearly that’s the fastest way to heal.
Debby saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:42 am
Barbie, errr Bossy looks great! And I’m so glad she/you had fun at party. I too, danced the night away, and my plantar fasciitis foot is still complaining. Freaking feet
William saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:47 am
Couldnt varicose Barbie just let the fluid drain out from the hole in her foot?
kidsmom saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:50 am
Suzanne saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:59 am
I’m glad that you feel better Bossy!
the 7msn ranch saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 10:33 am
Ouch! We’re all so very happy that Varicose Barbie got this procedure done before her no book tour road trip.
Bridget saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 10:39 am
Bossy is too funny! Feel better!
Colette saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 10:45 am
Maybe varicose Barbie should wear pants at night. That might warm her up a little in her cold bedroom.
whirled_peas saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 10:48 am
This one MUST go into the top 5!
SnowWhite saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 11:04 am
Wow Bossy, my hubby is going in next week for this very same procedure.
Although, his procedure will be performed by Varicose Barbie…. so you would have to switch the dolls around!
RuthWells saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 11:06 am
Ouchies! That was a mighty cute (naked) fellow performing the procedure. I’d be a little worried about keeping the field sterile with a naked doc, though….
Theresa saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 11:18 am
I think the role of Varicose Barbie might have been played by Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen for this evenings performance!
Mark saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 11:28 am
Love your twisted humor, better watch out the barbie people might come after you, Or maybe you will see it in toys R Us next X-mas
Junebug saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 12:09 pm
Ah, poor varicose Barbie. I have spider veins which I always thought were varicose veins. I believe it’s an inheritance. Wonder if they will tax that some day at 55%?
David saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 12:31 pm
If medical fellows looked and dressed like that, I’d find more reasons to go the hospital. Hell, I’d volunteer as a candy striper.
Btw, I tried to send you a “get well” e-card last week but it was just an epic fail so, um, “Get Well Soon!”
Gail K. saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I don’t know. It looked like Varicose Barbie was being played by one of the Olsen Twins who was channelling Lindsey “no pants” Lohan. (And isn’t it a bit frightening that we can all recognize which “star” a hunk of plastic is supposed to be?)
Hope you are back on your feet soon and please try to remember not to confuse your compression stocking with duct tape – or you will be giving yourself a heck of a “wax job” trying to take that off.
bdaiss saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:13 pm
I really think Mattel should take note of this new Barbie. They could expand their ideal market by about, oh, 40 years or so. : )
BTW – around the parts we refer to them as “Vari-gross veins”. My father-in-law has had his worked on a number of times, finally going in for the surgery where they actually remove whole sections. He said it was the best decision he’d made in years. Of course he had a pretty extreme case.
Amy saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:16 pm
love it! Way to find humor in a painful situation. The photo illustrations are the best–Bossy is the boss!
noe saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:28 pm
NOTHING MORE UPLIFTING THAN HUMOR IN A BAD SITUATION!
LOVED THE BARBIE IMPERSONATION! DO WE HEAR OSCAR FOR BARBIE!
The Know it All saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:36 pm
The Varicose Barbie had quite an adventure…She should consider going on a (No) Varicose Vein Tour!
Alison saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:37 pm
That Barbie’s face looks just like one of the Olsen twins. I don’t know which one. Were the Olsen twins really Barbie Olsen triplets?
Lisa saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm
and varicose Barbie kept a smile on her face the entire time! What a girl!
Maria saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:00 pm
I certainly hope Veri Barbie is doing well by now. Her veins scared me. They looked gangrenious. Black and all…
Procedures are awful, Barbie…
The Domestic Goddess saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:25 pm
So that’s what Mk/Ash will look like with varicose veins! Thank you!
TeenyTina saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Tune in next week when Barbie undergoes retina reattachment surgery due to an unfortunate self-mutilation incident with a grossly over sized mascara wand.
TeenyTina saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:35 pm
Unclothed dance party chick and headless Fellow should definitely get together…
linlah saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm
I thought the Dane Great in Varicose Barbie’s doctors office was a ceramic statue.
Charlie saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Wow, that sounds like hell. Can’t believe they let a med student do the procedure. (Makes me wonder who took out my gallbladder, the janitor?) Gotta say tho: loved the Barbie recreation.
meleah rebeccah saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 3:05 pm
Poor ‘Varicose Barbie that looks more like Mary Kate or Ashley’ / BOSSY!
LOL @ TeenyTina comment!
joeinvegas saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 3:09 pm
I think Varicose Barbie does look a lot like Bossy. But to take the time and find such an experienced doctor, then get stuck with a Fellow? Wow. Hope it all works out well, and I’m sure Mr. Bossy likes the no pants bare butt look wandering around the bedroom.
Em saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Glad you and Varicose Barbie are better.
BusyDad saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 4:14 pm
The Varicose Barbie on the phone pic will undoubtedly find its way to a compression stocking fetish website before long. (Glad she’s recovering though. Good thing it was at least a fellow and not just a fella.)
Red Hamster saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 4:24 pm
I know medical establishments are trying to cut costs, but an old clarinet case for an operating table?, and no clothes for the doctors, err…fellows? And maybe health care reform needs to include free take-home panties for the patients? Glad they didn’t compress Bossy’s sense of humor.
Ruth saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 4:35 pm
I like the idea of a varicose operation… think they will throw in a tummy tuck too (after my 150 pound weight loss I really really need it)… (well in 90 more pounds and don’t you hate all the Parens?). Are varicose veins a cosmetic procedure or a medical one? (oh and a throat life)
Hope Bossy and her kefir and Vodka a re felling better. I heard that you are going to get the next SNOW punch today./ tomorrow.. We’re in one of our seasons… mudlsides here in Calif. Ugh rain rain go away as Bossy needs to party ay!
NaysWay saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 4:36 pm
Oh noes, Bossy. You are making me super scared. I have to go in for this same procedure sometime this month (first time ever)! Crap. Crap, crap, crapcrapcrap.
Momo Fali saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Wine makes everything better! Dancing with naked people doesn’t hurt either.
josh saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 5:34 pm
Barbie could have some WILD PHONE SEXXX wiff that telefono. It’s the size of a Ken doll! Just sayin’!
Hmmm…but those buttons might leave some burns…what the hell am I talking about? I chut uh…NOW!
ZDub saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 5:43 pm
Poor Bossy’s leg.
Mama Kat saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Varicose Barbie shouldn’t worry about her legs when she has such a pretty face. I mean really…they’re expendable.
blackbird saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 6:35 pm
I mean, glad she’s better!
foolery saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Varicose Barbie is an imposter. She has cankles. BOSSY doesn’t have cankles. Foolery, on the other hand . . . pass the anesthesia.
MsParker from Arkansas saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 6:37 pm
I love the way you tell a story. This was a great adaptation.
Pamela saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 6:58 pm
poor varicose Mary-Kate. also? poor varicose Ashley. I think that would fall into the category of “life’s a bitch to child stars.”
Kay Bryan saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Oh you poor thang! You’ve really been through the ringer. How could they under-anesthetize you? You should definately get a discount.
Your Varicose Barbie was hilarious! I laughed out loud, yes, I did. She even looks like you. I feel sad for Varicose Bossy Barbie. Hope you feel better.
Your last two posts have been EXCEPTIONAL!
Lizzy saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 9:43 pm
My daughter asked for Varicose Barbie for Christmas.
Jenn @ Juggling LIfe saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 10:41 pm
I’m just so glad this whole medical drama didn’t happen to BOSSY.
APeetsMom saysFebruary 8, 2010 at 11:40 pm
Oh wow – poor Vericose Barbie – how did she know when she should go???? Did she have pain? Or just didn’t like the way it looked???
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy saysFebruary 9, 2010 at 4:02 am
Vericose Barbie has been through the ringer! I hope she’s on the mend and will be back to her sparkling self soon! The last picture with the mascara wand had me wiping spit off my laptop screen cause I laughed so hard!
Reeb saysFebruary 9, 2010 at 1:16 pm
I was away yesterday and missed this marvelous Tale of Brave, d Now-Restored Barbie. Everybody above has already said all the quips I thought of while reading it. So I”ll just grin and say “Kudos, Bossy!” for another excellent round of Barbie Theater.
Loved the back drop of Stella in the operating room. And no, I didn’t notice it til you pointed it out.
Who plays (used to play?) clarinet?
Ami saysFebruary 9, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Man! I had to have my greater saphenous vein cut and tied off b/c I had almost 3 feet of clotted said vein. It was hellacious. AND, I had to wear those g’da#^ miserable compression hose when I was pregnant. I referred to them as instruments of torture, and I meant it. I used to cry putting them on. I would use pregnancy as an excuse for the crying, but I’m pretty sure I would have cried anyway. I hate those motherwhatters. Hang in there!
KathyB saysFebruary 9, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Bossy, thank you for letting us laugh through Varicose Barbie’s pain. Very well done. So sorry for the need. Dancing is the best revenge.
Junebug, I have had spider veins since about 13. Asked family doc way back when – answer “fair skinned and hereditary.” No pain, not bulgy. Just stare at me if I let them out of clothes and notice.
MommyTime saysFebruary 9, 2010 at 9:35 pm
I hope you are feeling better. Perhaps a post-office visit to the Nude Fellow will make you feel better? (Really, he must be a tremendously good doctor to get all of that done with no head on which to locate some eyes; he’s definitely a doctor at a disadvantage!)
Lisa saysFebruary 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm
You are HYSTERICAL.
Elizabeth saysFebruary 10, 2010 at 5:36 pm
Please promise you will tell more stories using Barbies, that was hilarious! (the use of the Barbies, not the leg thing, which, OUCH). Although I was immediately saddened to realize that I knew at first glance that the heroine of this story was a Mary Kate or Ashley doll, not a Barbie. Clearly I spend way too much time in the doll aisle at Target with a certain 4 year old girl.
Amy saysFebruary 11, 2010 at 12:06 am
If I ever have to have surgery I hope a naked Fellow with washboards does my surgery. Heck, I wouldn’t wear panties either!
Me thinks Barbie danced her feet to stubs judging from the last picture of her. Can’t be good.
Kristine saysFebruary 11, 2010 at 9:30 pm
1. Dude, the dog! That’s all I could focus on at first.
2. You, I mean “Barbie,” have a rather nice ass.
3. I’ve worked with a few Fellows in the past I would like to have seen nekkid. Preferably with a head however,
4. How is it I just realized your Twitter profile says you are in Philly? Really? I had no idea you were so easy for me to stalk!
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