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i am bossy

Is It Just Bossy?

Bossy would like to ask you a question, which begins approximately two calendar pages ago when Bossy felt something unusual:

calendar-pages

The something unusual Bossy felt was a pain in her ass. Or maybe it wasn’t her ass, maybe it was a pain above her ass, in her coccyx region:

tailbone-surgery

For the past two months, or maybe more, or maybe less, or maybe moremorelessymore, Bossy has been experiencing a jolt of pain in her tailbone region whenever she sits. But Bossy didn’t sustain an injury here, and she can’t imagine what originated this problem.

knee-steering-iambossy

Finally, between all of the napping and the napping, Bossy made an appointment with a physician, and then sat back to wait the many weeks, where sat back equals not sitting because ow.

Soon the day arrived for her doctor’s appointment, and so Bossy parked her car and entered the medical building where her physician’s office resides, only to become swallowed by a maze of corridors as it slowly became apparent the building was the shape of an X wrapped in an S inside a T.

maze-iambossy

Bossy became so lost she finally reached for her cell phone and called the doctor’s receptionist who said, “Don’t bother, you are now fifteen minutes late, and we have a mandatory rescheduling policy if you are fifteen minutes late.”

head-exploding

And so Bossy rescheduled her appointment — and this time she left her house approximately one lifetime early in order to locate the office, where Bossy was soon escorted to an exam table.

doctors-office-posters

Sure there were the usual posters detailing the dangers of smoking and diabetes, but the poster that grabbed Bossy’s attention was this one:

penis-picture

Because, sister mercy no they didn’t, it’s a poster of a hand reaching to touch a penis. Right?

office-poster

penis-poster-diagram

Consumed with curiosity, Bossy jumped from the exam table and padded across the room in her socks to get a closer look.

monofilament-test

Which brings Bossy, finally, to her question: Know a good optometrist?

bossy-eyeglasses-georgia-getz

Reader Interactions

Comments

  4. BOSSY, I can testify as your eyes age, they see much naughtier things than our formerly young eyes. Wait til words turn into swears when you read the newspaper. Every other line has an FU in iit. At least the way I read it.

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  7. I have the world’s most painful tail bone. Please let me know what the doctor said so I can assume (ASSume) that what ever is wrong with you is wrong with me.

    Also, that hand and foot next to that penis?
    I saw a movie like that once.

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  8. Bossy needs ass fat. See, those of us with meaty asses don’t have that problem. If I had to drive on my upper body or back where I have no fat? Then there would be a problem.

    Want some ass fat?

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  10. I have a GREAT optometrist – Chris Anastasiou of Modern Eye. Way cool glasses, really nice people. There’s a shop at 34th & Walnut and one at 13th & Chestnut.

    And maybe you need Dr Husband to hook you up so you can stop randomly dreaming of penii illustrations? Just sayin.

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  11. Okay, even more disturbing than the penis picture was the last picture of the coccyx surgery–WHAT is that liquid pouring out of the ass? Horrifying!

    Yes, you need new glasses, but what I really wanna know is: did they figure out what was wrong with your butt?

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  12. I’m going to need some kind of disclaimer if you are going to be posting graphic illustrations of ass surgery.

    Plus, I think Bossy needs a chiropractor. Give it a try.

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  17. I’m very sorry about your coccyx. I hope they figure out what’s wrong without surgery or any of that nonsense.

    It does indeed look like a penis. I see penises all the time. Like on the chip bags at the grocery store, in the road…I usually have to do a double take. It’s kind of a gift.

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  18. Bossy has a fixation on “what doesn’t belong in this picture?” penises. New glasses should make hunting for pictures even more fun.

    Good luck with the pain. If I ever wait under fifteen minutes, either in waiting room or examining room, I’ll do a little dance. Dumb shit receptionist. I don’t know where they find people like that. They are supposed to be like Shelley Long in Dr. T and the Women.

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  20. My first thought was “pilonidal cyst” as well. Don’t ask how I know about these pains in the asses (but you can ask my: mom, sister, brother, uncle, cousin, and oh, well, I guess you can ask me too – serioiusly, and they say they aren’t hereditary)

    Did the penis/foot picture take the pain away at least? And how long did you have to wait at the eye doctor’s office?

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  21. I am the proud owner of new progressive lens glasses and an appointment for an ultrasound to follow up on my mammogram with “an area of concern”–for 3 weeks out, natch–I’ll be on the lookout for random penis posters.

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  22. Until today, I thought “jammy” was just the singular of “jammies” (as in pajamas). I take it Bossy doesn’t call pajamas “jammies.”

    Reply

  23. A monofilament test examines the level of neuropathy or arterial insufficiency in a diabetic’s foot.

    Reply

  26. So what was the final verdict on the pain? I’ve had the same thing now for about ten years – even went to Mayo clinic to find an answer. Nothing to be done unless you want surgery and have the bone taken out which they say is quite dangerous for infection.

    So i suffer. And sit leaning forward. It truly stinks and hurts more than people realize. Sorry.. you probably irritated a condition with all that driving?

    Reply

  28. Is Bossy’s pain directly on the tail bone or beside it? Because I occasionally irritate and/or pinch my syatic nerve and DEAR GOD IT HURTS

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  29. Those damn Dr’s offices and their stupid stupid late policy! I have a Dr who has recently prescribed to this policy only they have a 5 minute late time.
    Now I show up unGodly early in fear of a “Well mamm my clock says 8:35 and your watch says 8:30…you’ll have to reschedule and pay this $25 fee” only to be taken back to the actual room 15 mins after my appt time, to then again sit in another room and wait for another 20 mins to see a fucking doctor for all of 10 minutes. Dont get Bri started Bossy…. Oi.

    Sorry about your ass pain Bossy. Do get that healed soon.

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  31. I woke up one morning with an excruciating cramp in my ass and right upper leg. diagnosis: sciatica. after THIRTEEN friggin visits to a chiropractor which my ins barely helped cover, the pain is not as bad, but still there. I’ve now decided if I’m going to pay to have my ass massaged, its not going to be done by that geek of a chiro… its going to be by a hot guy named Sven.

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  33. Funny story…my sister had one of those pain in the ass problems (not the funny part). She unfortunately waited too long to get help and her cyst ruptured (really not the funny part). She required open wound care and packing and all that other gross stuff. Her husband got a bit carried away with the tape one day and she said she learned the hard way you have a crack for a reason. Can’t walk that well with your cheeks taped together!

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  34. I loved this Las Vegas guy! “What happens when you are in the waiting room for over 15 minutes, do they have a mandatory appology?” My answer yeah Like… Obama’s gonna take care of long waiting lines in Dr.’s offices NEXT!
    Oh Bossy so sorry that your coxyxyxyxyck is paining you. Maybe a donut pillow?

    Reply

  35. Frimmy was consumed with laughter at “The Jammy” part of your penis poster.

    My tailbone was fractured during labour with my son in triage where triage means the hard stuff and screaming hadn’t even begun yet. Turns out it was good timing since aside from the actually emergence of said large son’s shoulders, nothing, but NOTHING hurt as bad as the coccyx fracture. The boy is 14 now and logically so is the badly mended fracture in question which means I still sit on one cheek or the other to avoid coccyx discomfort. I definitely feel your pain. I hope you get that sorted out soon.

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  36. I slipped on a banana peel in high school (seriously) and broke my tailbone. But you probably would have noticed if that happened…

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  37. Find another doctor and cancel this appointment. If the office policies treat their patients like cattle or like Gomer Pyle (too stupid to stick to their rules and their schedule), you don’t want to be there. Is there is something serious health-wise, you’d want compassion, not bean counters.

    Reply

  38. Oh, it’s so good to see Harrison Ford again.

    In other news, don’t rush to the optometrist because according to what I’ve heard, feet and penises are closely related. Just ask the person holding up the ruler, I mean “instrument in use,”

    Reply

  41. It’s probably a pilonidal cyst. I have one, my brother, father, daughter, niece all have them – it’s hereditary. It hardly bothers me unless I’ve been sitting for a long time (ie riding in the car) – and the boat pose in yoga kills it. My dad had to have his removed during WWII from riding in tanks for long periods of time. The rest of us just manage with it. It’s quite a big deal to get it removed.

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  42. Have you tried a chiropractor? Get references and give it a try. I’m alot older than you and my chiro keeps me riding horses and gardening and driving when I want to.

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  44. I will share any amount of ass fat with you for free! You need it, I got it and don’t need it.

    Sorry to hear about your ass problem. That is a real PITA. I’ve had a PITF (Pain in the foot) for a helliuva long time now. My doc had the nerve to say to lay down and elevate it for 30 minutes for at least 5 days and then give him a call. I’m pretty sure that was his picture on your doc’s wall…and I mean the one after the glasses. He is such a dick. I’m looking for a new doc.

    Reply

  46. About 100 years ago I went to a Jethro Tull concert (Aging Hippie Alert!) in Honolulu. How thrilled I was when Ian Anderson threw a t-shirt RIGHT AT ME. I mean, RIGHT at me! All I had to do was REACH MY HAND UP to catch it! And I did! And three other people JUMPED ON ME. I fell right on my ass, which, though certainly ample, didn’t cushion my fall. Pain for months, and when a seriously thrown-out back finally got me to the doc, the x-rays revealed that I’d actually CHIPPED my coccyx… owie!

    As I age, I am CONSTANTLY seeing and hearing things that aren’t there… and yep, many of them have sexual undertones. WTF!!? What does it MEAN, Bossy?!!

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  47. Is anyone wondering how Bossy had her camera so handy while she was sitting probably naked in the doctor’s office? Be careful where you keep that camera Bossy, so you don’t…ummm…cause yourself pain.

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  48. Sorry for your pain…but your blog is sooo funny! I want to make it might life and curl my st00pid azz up into all your brill wordingz! Penis + Feet = FETISH?! What kind of shady sexxxual games are your eyez playing on you?!

    Reply

  49. Anyone else see the Coc-ynx = Penis connection? And then someone going blind? No? Just me? Clearly I am more warped than I thought.

    Ass fat (as Domestic Goddess so rightly pointed out) is the answer. You need more cushioning. And less jogging.
    🙂
    Dr BB

    Reply

  50. i just bought reading glasses last week. i wasn’t ready to admit that i needed them, but i was tired of the words swimming. i bought some cool zebra striped purple ones though so i wouldn’t feel so old. now i just feel gay. which is ok i guess…you know since i am gay and all. now i’m just dressing the part!

    Reply

  51. Bossy, you are killing me this week!!!! I often read words like you see pictures, and you know what? Life is much better (and funnier) when you have to look twice!!!!

    Reply

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