Recently Bossy entered the realm of dating websites because they do not make I Only Want To Pal Around websites or even I Am Here Somewhat Ironically websites.
For those of you who don’t know about dating websites because you are happy, here’s how it works: Bossy set up a profile and is presented with prospects based on Bossy’s very broad criteria such as age, distance, and humor curiosity smarts giggles desire surprises thoughtfulness creativity practicality gameness solidity inventiveness affection follow-through wanderlust fun and ultimately character.
Typically a prospect’s profile features a series of photos, basic statistics like those found in a morgue description, and a personal summary.
Bossy is fascinated by the many messages conveyed in such a limited format, intentional and otherwise. Most of the time Bossy trusts her instincts to separate the wheat from the chaff. But the other day Bossy realized she would reject her boyfriend, Bill Clinton, if he were on a dating website:
Here’s how that would go:
Bossy would be all, ugh, Billy sounds Southern. And Bossy would be all, ugh, how dynamic could he be at 67? Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, unemployed, and his pallor is kind of ruddy and he has the stature of an anchorman.
This got Bossy thinking about her other boyfriends, and if Bossy would reject them if they were on a dating website.
For instance:
Bossy would be all, ugh, he looks puffy from drinking. And Bossy would be all, ugh, he seems sad and there are crumbs in the corner of his mouth. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, only Ron Howard survived being a child actor. And ugh, is there anything more pathetic than sucking on a Nicotine pipe day and night?
So Bossy would keep looking:
Bossy would be all, ugh, he’s younger than Bossy. And Bossy would be all, ugh, isn’t that Emily Blunt? She’s only 5’7″ so this Ewan guy must be short, ugh. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, motorcycle, no.
The search would continue:
Renaissance fair hair ugh.
Cat hair ugh.
Too bad there are never any good men on dating sites.
If you liked this post, click this link to read about the time Bossy met Bill Clinton.
Or click this link to watch a video of Bossy with John Cusack.
Or click this link to read Bossy’s very person analysis of Ricky Gervais and his eyeteeth.
bossysMom says
October 20, 2013 at 3:53 pmThis is so goddamn funny I can’t even stand it.
SO funny. And damn, truth in jest.
(No wonder everyone gets so mad when you don’t post a Bossy)
Charlie says
October 20, 2013 at 4:16 pmBossy rates Jesus on Tinder: “Do you even OWN a razor? And what kind of carpenter wears sandals?— you’re gonna lose a toe.”
Jennifer Denise Ouellette says
October 20, 2013 at 4:29 pmI have thought that about John Cusack. I’m fairly sure Barack O’Boyfriend would make the cut.
jeanie says
October 20, 2013 at 5:50 pmIn real life, I actually found a spouse on one of those sites – well, he wasn’t my spouse then, so it was excuseable (it was how I met him)
But while I was fishing – some of the others out there were downright sad or scary.
And you are right – we can all be rather sad or scary on those things!!
Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) says
October 20, 2013 at 7:40 pmHilarious! More please! More celebrity rankings! This is too funny!
Els says
October 21, 2013 at 1:38 pmIsn’t the whole point you’re gonna find someone you DON’T know? And when you do, and he’s the right guy, you’ll gloss over all his imperfections. Remember, for every fault you find with him, you are allowed one for yourself. So be generous
x
Els
anonymous says
October 21, 2013 at 6:40 pmI wish Bossy’s mom had a blog. In the glimpses of her life Bossy has let us in on (and through her comments), Bossy’s mom has always struck me as interesting, witty and heartfelt.
TracyontheRocks says
October 21, 2013 at 11:57 pmHysterical! This needs to be an ongoing thing….
corrie says
October 22, 2013 at 10:00 amHi Bossy- Loved your post today! Checked out your Ricky Gervais post (b/c I just watched the 1st ep of the Office/English) and loved that one too! I too was mesmerized by his eyeteeth and his perfect ”git” persona! Is it too stalkerish to say I also checked out the link to the Bill Clinton story too…and I LOVED it ! Go figure! Anyway – just to say that I’ve missed seeing your regular posts and hope you’re doing well.
bossysMom says
October 22, 2013 at 10:51 amI, too, want more and more celebrity entries. It’s so much fun, I am doing my own.
bossysMom says
October 22, 2013 at 10:54 amAre we sure that bossysMom and anonymous arent the same person? hahahahaha.
joeinvegas says
October 22, 2013 at 11:58 amHmm, any incites on who you did pick?
TracyontheRocks says
October 23, 2013 at 12:33 amhahaha we need to go back and see if any other anonymous posts are flattering toward bossysmom so we know if she is just plugging herself on Bossy’s page hahaha
Suburban Kamikaze says
October 23, 2013 at 2:45 pmMaybe what you have really learned here is that the least interesting profiles might be masking the most interesting prospects. Or that morgue stats are really the way to go here. Or possibly something else entirely. You will know it when you see it.
SK
Ally says
October 26, 2013 at 11:08 amYou have at least started to look for companionship again, and you are aware of your perhaps overly-discerning discernment.
I think you should by proud of your progress, Bossy.
KathyB says
October 27, 2013 at 10:43 pmLove it, laughed out loud. My cousin met her now husband via internet. Don’t know that it was a dating site, but maybe. Eleven years younger. Happiest she has been in her life, and they are going on twelve or thirteen years. Do not be afraid to go there, Ashton/Demi be damned.
Suzi says
October 30, 2013 at 5:39 pmYou are wise to skip Clinton. The man doesn’t know what sex is.
Alexis says
November 3, 2013 at 8:35 pmI would totally not date chain-smoking doughy commitment-phobe John Cusac. Unless he stood outside my bedroom with a boom box because I would TOTALLY date that guy!
Elle says
November 13, 2013 at 11:27 amThis blog had me in stitches. Too funny lol
I have sent you an e-mail, and I hope you can follow up with me by the end of today.
Thank you kindly,
Elle.
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