Recently Bossy entered the realm of dating websites because they do not make I Only Want To Pal Around websites or even I Am Here Somewhat Ironically websites.
For those of you who don’t know about dating websites because you are happy, here’s how it works: Bossy set up a profile and is presented with prospects based on Bossy’s very broad criteria such as age, distance, and humor curiosity smarts giggles desire surprises thoughtfulness creativity practicality gameness solidity inventiveness affection follow-through wanderlust fun and ultimately character.
Typically a prospect’s profile features a series of photos, basic statistics like those found in a morgue description, and a personal summary.
Bossy is fascinated by the many messages conveyed in such a limited format, intentional and otherwise. Most of the time Bossy trusts her instincts to separate the wheat from the chaff. But the other day Bossy realized she would reject her boyfriend, Bill Clinton, if he were on a dating website:
Here’s how that would go:
Bossy would be all, ugh, Billy sounds Southern. And Bossy would be all, ugh, how dynamic could he be at 67? Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, unemployed, and his pallor is kind of ruddy and he has the stature of an anchorman.
This got Bossy thinking about her other boyfriends, and if Bossy would reject them if they were on a dating website.
Bossy would be all, ugh, he looks puffy from drinking. And Bossy would be all, ugh, he seems sad and there are crumbs in the corner of his mouth. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, only Ron Howard survived being a child actor. And ugh, is there anything more pathetic than sucking on a Nicotine pipe day and night?
So Bossy would keep looking:
Bossy would be all, ugh, he’s younger than Bossy. And Bossy would be all, ugh, isn’t that Emily Blunt? She’s only 5’7″ so this Ewan guy must be short, ugh. Still, Bossy might dig some more:
And then Bossy would be all, ugh, motorcycle, no.
The search would continue:
Renaissance fair hair ugh.
Cat hair ugh.
Too bad there are never any good men on dating sites.
If you liked this post, click this link to read about the time Bossy met Bill Clinton.