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Dear Bossy

I have bags under my eyes. There are loads of products available that supposedly cure this problem, but I can’t understand how they’re supposed to work. Any insights?

– Eye Claudius
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Dear Claudius,

As we age the delicate skin surrounding the eye loses its elasticity and muscle tone. And as a special bonus after we turn forty the liver reduces the ability to detox which causes impurities and excess fluids to pool in this area while we sleep.

There are several at-home remedies thought to diminish eye puffiness:

  • Sleep in an elevated position.

  • Apply a cool substance to eyes for ten minutes – such as chilled cucumber slices, thinly sliced potato, 1 medium onion, 1 cup of heavy cream.

  • Tap the swollen area under the eye with your fingertips to encourage fluids to flow elsewhere.

  • Never tap the swollen area under the eye.

  • Soak two cotton balls in a cup of rosehip tea and place over eyes.

  • Soak cotton balls in cold milk and place over eyes.

  • Combine rosehip tea and cold milk and enjoy with a plate of scones.

A more controversial cure is Preparation H. This hemorrhoid cream remedy is thought to reduce swelling and tighten up the under-eye area.

Preparation_h_2

There are many skin care products available to alleviate baggy eyes such as Paula Dorf’s SimpleSkin Eye Cream, which enlists a few basic ingredients — such as Purified Water. Also Isopropyl Palmitate, Squalane, Glycerin, Glyceryl Stearate, PEG-100 Stearate, Oryza Sativa Bran Oil, Camellia Senensis Leaf Extract, Phenyl Trimethicone, Cyclomethicone, Glycosaminoglycans, DEA Cetyl Phosphate, Butylene Glycol, Ahnfeltia Concinna Extract, Liposome C&E, Salix Alba (Willow) Bark Extract, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Geranium Maculatum Oil, Canola Oil, Hydrogenated Castor Oil, Silica, Corn Starch, Magnesium Aluminum Silicate, Cetyl Alcohol, PEG-40 Stearate, Sorbitan Stearate, Ceratonia Siliqua, Sodium Hyaluronate, Cholesterol, PEG-20 Methyl Glucose Sesquistearate, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Xanthan Gum, DMDM Hydantoin, Iodopropynyl Butyl Carbamate, Bisdiglyceryl Polyacyladipate-2, BHT, Diazolidinyl Urea, Tetrasodium EDTA, Methylparaben, Propylparaben, Glyceryl Polymethacrylate; Glycerin; Butylene Glycol; Pentylene Glycol; PEG-6 Isostearate; Hesperetin Laurate; Fagus Sylvatica Extract; Hesperidin Methyl Chalcone; Dipeptide-2; Palmitoyl Tetrapeptide-3; Glycosaminoglycans; Escin; Ruscogenin; Neoruscogenin; Sodium Hyaluronate; Ethoxydiglycol; Steareth-20; Propylene Glycol; Tetrasodium EDTA; Carbomer; Aminomethyl Propanol; Diazolidinyl Urea, and Methylparaben.

Some products are assembled with a shorter list of ingredients — such as EyeBryten from the obscure world famous Woodbridge Labs. This product utilizes the very familiar combination of peptides and extracts with Hyloxyl™ and Eyeliss™.

Eyebryten

As testimony the Eyebryten website includes this Before & After photo:

Before_after_2

Or there’s Hydroderm Triple Effects Eye Serum which reduces puffiness with Witch Hazel and Chamomile:
Hydroderm

Dr. Brandt Lineless Eye Cream promises a product that not only works against puff, but also is an anti-dark circle, anti-aging, anti-inflammatory, anti-bruising, anti-oxidant, hydrating eye cream. But of course what does he know because this is Dr. Brandt:

Brandt_dr_2

The touchy feely folks over at Sephora offer products made from more natural ingredients – such as the Bliss Baggage Handler which combines cucumber and cornflower extracts, fine line-whittling wheat proteins, and a 2634 cubic inch capacity with durable wheels.

Luggage_2

Also available at Sephora is the Boscia Enlivening Amino-AG Eye Treatment which is very effective when applied with a gentle patting motion around the orbital bone. Of course the instructions also suggest it is critical to first attend medical school so you know precisely where the feck the orbital bone is.

Boscia_2

CVS offers several products described in complex technical terms meant to distract you from the fact that it’s sold at stupid CVS – such as Spa Sciences Puffy Eye Reduction Gel which doesn’t just reduce puffiness but decongests the eye area with a bio-active ingredient which increases cellular oxygen consumption up to 71%! What does that mean? Who cares because it costs only $14.99!

Spa_2

But perhaps the best remedy for puffy eyes is to alter your lifestyle:

Get plenty of sleep
Drink eight glasses of water a day
Avoid Salt
Steer clear of smoke
No alcohol
Join a monastery

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. All these products to peruse before my first cup of coffee is consumed? It’s too much, Bossy. I love me some skin care products. Are you trying to tell us that you have bags? Because I don’t believe it. Especially since you only get one pimple at a time. And I used to live in the south, where I’m pretty sure the beauty queens invented the Prep. H thing. I don’t recall evuh seeing any puffy undereyes.

  2. I also hear another side effect of rounding the Big 4-Uh-Oh corner is LOSING fat from underneath the eyes, resulting in the creation of an all-new race of female Skeletor look-a-likes. Nice.

  3. I joined a monastery and my bags went away even before I cooked my first meal for all those misogynists.

    God smiles on the pious.

  5. Sweet merciful Jeebus! Who signed the certification allowing Dr. (Dead Guy) Brandt to become a skin-care practioner?

  6. I use the neutrogena under-eye moisturizer that is “clinically proven to reduce puffiness and redness”.
    Me likes it just fine. BUt I’ve never tried the cucumber, I think you may have talked me into it.

  9. Oh, Bossy. The money I have spent on these products! Not SPECIFICALLY these, but in a different package. (I am currently a slave to Clinique.) Sometimes, I think that the bags under my eyes are jealous of my nose … or boobs … and trying to outdo the others.

  10. Bossy — thanks for making me crackdahellup!

    My bags are always packed and ready to go! Seriously though — I have tried ’em all and I still have the undereye puffiness and dark circles. I think my bloodline leaves me predisposed for the ugliness of it all and thusly am wasting the mighty dollah dollah bill, yo. I read about that Prep H tip before — if I remember correctly, models use it when they’ve had a night out on the town and have a photo shoot the next morning. I’m not so sure I’d want something that you’d use on your nether region so close to my eyes! Just sayin’!! Gah!

  11. Bossy likes to imagine glamorous models smearing themselves with Preparation H too. Kind of like how she imagines actresses painting mascara on their grey hairs, and balding male actors spraying their bald patches with black shoe polish.

  15. Shayera is genetically predisposed to dark circles under her eyes. She looks perpetually tired in pictures.
    Or that someone took a swing at her.

  16. DR Brandt looks great for a 73 year old. I tried the cucumbers but the smell of blue cheese made me sick after a while.

  17. Bossy Boots, are you delightful 24-7? Do people around you skip and gambol and frolic? Do strangers buy you drinks and slap their knees if you so much as sneeze? Eye gotta Bossy crush.

  21. Dear Bossy: Your helpful advice suggests that my liver is not as efficient at detoxifying my body now that I am two months away from my big 4-oh. Do you think that explains why I puked after drinking a vodka martini followed by two tequila shots? (In front of my children? The puking, I mean? And my DH covered for my by telling them that mommy accidentally ate shrimp, which makes me horribly sick?)

    Thanks,
    Wondering in Maryland