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i am bossy

Bossy So Wishes She Were Kidding.

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Meet Chemistry.com. This new subsidiary website of Match.com is designed specifically for people seeking meaningful long-term relationships. Because Match.com’s unmeaningful short-term relationships are so May 28th.

Chemistry.com recognizes that a significant component in a relationship
is er chemistry. Therefore Chemistry.com’s unique Personality Profile captures each member’s essential truths and goals utilizing insightful questions such as this:

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In addition the website offers a wealth of educational material so their clients can better understand the sparks that pass between mates. The following are Chemistry.com’s Seven Signs that you have met your match:


  1. You turn into a total klutz. Of course this has nothing to do with the extra Darvon you popped while watching your date try to park his Chrysler LeBaron.

  2. You notice a tiny dent in your date’s pinkie nail. Not even the least bit a sign that you are Anal Retentive.

  3. You agree to split the spinach dip appetizer—and you don’t even like spinach dip! There you go asserting yourself from the beginning. Cheers, you.

  4. The room you’re in seems brighter than usual. Is in no way related to the fact that your first date is taking place in the cafeteria section of Whole Foods.

  5. You’re more fidgety during the date. Gee, time for another Darvon? Already?

  6. You keep forgetting there’s food on the table. Also keep forgetting you have Early Alzheimer’s. Must make appointment. For what?

  7. You feel more “familiar” with your date than “lusty”. Greatest sign because Bossy never associates the word “chemistry” with “lust”.

Chemistry.com also offers various suggestions so their clients can shed surface concerns in order to better establish relationships based on communication and companionship — for instance the following tips for taking a better Client Profile photo:

If you are not extra lean and muscular, keep your shirt on.
Don’t have an arm slung around someone else’s waist.
Don’t stand in front of a picture of a yacht—unless it’s yours.
Your close up should actually be close up.
Don’t let ’em see the red of your eyes.
Don’t squint.
A crooked photo creates a crooked neck and nothing more.
Do not show all of your tattoos.
A look that screams come-hither might make your profile wither.
Smile… if you have your front teeth.
Don’t wear an outfit two sizes too small.
Wearing shades doesn’t show off the sparkle in your baby blues.
Blowing a kiss at the camera could blow your chances instead.
Nix the group shot; you’re the star here.
Don’t make your funny face or scrunch up your nose.
Lose the cowboy hat; let her see your beautiful bald head.
Muscle shirt, no—unless you actually have them.
Avoid side views unless your side is actually viewable.
Don’t chop off your head or cut off your midsection.
Letting it all hang out is out.
Adjust the color and resolution, cut, rotate, size adjus.
If the photo is not quite to your liking, snap a few more.
A ‘Thinker’ pose in a bathrobe… what were you thinking?
A cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other signals a dead end.
Be in a good mood; the camera will capture your perkiness.
Primp, be stylish, casual, off beat, be yourself, be perky—a presentation worthy of many admirers.

Get Started Here. Because You Know You Want To Take The Personality Test.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I used to work for Mate1.com, and part of my job was to screen private messages that contained images to make sure that no one was trying to sell anything. Anyways, there were all these desperate housewives talking with each other, and the conversations would always start with pic of the kids, continue with a shot of them in negliges, and precipitate a meeting with a “here’s me naked bent over in front of the web cam.”

  2. High-larious. Although I am happily (if not a little blind-spottedly) mated, I nonetheless oh-so want to take that personality profile. Just in case, you know, Johnny Depp or Ewan McGregor comes up as my perfect chemistry class partner.

  3. Whenever I bitch about Nate’s underwear on the floor or spit out sunflower seed shells in a wine glass, I am going to come back here and read this.

  4. Yeah, you guessed right, I’ll be taking that personality test as soon as I get a free moment. However, I would never ever ever want to date someone as anal as I am. Imagine what my life would be like if my boyfriend never made me late for everything?

  5. I was bent on saying something about the crooked photo nonsuggestion, but I am absolutely mesmerized by the first comment.

    I need to get busy (I typed “Bossy” first, heh) and take some photos, then join Mate1!!

  6. Oh crap. And here I was looking in the wrong place this whole time. I guess Craigslist casual encounters is *not* the place to find the man of my dreams?

  7. I’m willing to bet chemistry.com is being administered by the bitter and recently-divorced. All of those suggestions and especially the seven signs were so ass-rapingly bad that I refuse to believe that the people that made them weren’t laughing and high-fiving each other while shaming themselves by drinking wine coolers.

  14. i’ve tagged you. come by my site to see for what. (if you don’t find memes aversive, that is. and if you do, well, tough shit, you’re it.)

  16. Muchos gracias for the reminder of why I make the daily decision to not shoot Mr. Criquette. And since when does finger proportion have anything to do with chemistry? OHHHHHH, THAT kind of chemistry…..