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Dear Bossy

My son’s girlfriend just admitted she is not on the pill as we all had assumed. Their sole method of birth control? The condom! Is this as bad as we think?

– Too Young To Be A Grandma
————————————

Dear Too Young,

Screaming

According to Condomania – a website that promotes condom use – this is a list of activities deemed Safe to undertake while wearing a condom:

  • Hugging
  • Kissing
  • Massaging
  • Feeding Each Other
  • Watching Erotic Film
  • Reading Erotic Literature
  • Phone Sex
  • Arguing with Uncle Larry about the Denver Broncos.

While the following activity was deemed only Somewhat Safe to engage in while wearing a condom: Vaginal Intercourse.

Margey

Condoms have been around for thousands of years. Early evidence of condom use comes from cave paintings. Other evidence of early condom use is the proliferation of man.

The first condoms were made of linen:

Ancient_condom

Later they were made of fish and animal intestines – now that’s what Bossy calls Birth Control! In 1844 Charles Goodyear discovered a process for transforming rubber into an elastic material, and factories began mass-producing rubber condoms, known as “rubbers”.

Note to Bossy’s Teenage Son: Also known as “Baby Makers.”

Compared to the Birth Control Pill’s 99.9% effectiveness rate, Condoms – when used correctly – are only 85% effective in preventing pregnancy. This means that over a one-year period, 15 out of 100 couples will end up pushing a stroller through K-mart.

Guess what other parlor game shares the very same 15% Failure Rate statistic! Russian roulette!

Lana_screaming_2

The clear benefit of condoms is that they are the least expensive of all birth control. That is until the inevitable obstetrician visits, labor & delivery fee, and eighteen years of cleats and trombone lessons followed by tuition to Boston College.

No – the best perhaps only reason to use a condom is for protection against AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases – and it should be used in addition to your regular birth control method. These days, condoms are made of latex, lambskin or polyurethane – but latex provides the most protection against STDs. Unless you are allergic to latex in which case the disgusting rash will prevent anyone from wanting to sleep with you anyway.

The Mayo Clinic suggests the following to increase the condom’s effectiveness:

  • Do not use a condom after its expiration has passed.

  • Do not open the condom package with your teeth or fingernails – the condom may rip.

  • Check condom for small tears or pinprick holes before using.

  • Attend a psychic seminar so you can tell if the condom has small tears or pinprick holes since you are never supposed to unroll a condom before using.

  • Gently press out air at the tip of the condom before putting it on.

  • Place the tip of the rolled-up condom over the erect penis. Never Place the condom inside the penis.

  • Unroll the condom down over the entire penis and leave a half-inch space at the tip to collect the semen.

  • Smooth out any air bubbles to make sure the condom fits correctly. An air bubble could cause the condom to tear or come off.

  • So are we leaving air in the tip or are we pressing air out of the tip and how in sweet jesus can this be easier than having a baby?

  • Use plenty of water-based lubricant during intercourse to reduce friction. Never use an oil-based product such as lotion, Vaseline, baby oil, or Crisco as it will weaken the latex and cause it to break. Although it will prevent the penis from sticking to the bundt pan.

  • Store condoms in a cool, dry place. Do not keep condoms in a wallet, back pocket or glove compartment which can lead to deterioration and breakage. And babies.

Go Here For KidsHealth Condom Info And Those Horrifying Statistics.

Go Here For Strawberry Flavored Condoms – But Not You, Bossy’s Teenage Son!

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Thanks, Bossy. I needed a good laugh this morning.

    as always…

    By the way, did you check out the Christian Marriage resources that came up as the Google targeted ads on this entry?

    Do you suppose that condoms are harbingers of the demise of Christian marriage?

  4. Wow. That was informative. I have been married my entire adult life (basically) and this is EVERYTHING that I never knew about condoms.

    I think that I’ll save this for sharing ( and scaring) with her when I deem it necessary.

  6. Oh sweet fancy Moses. I am crying right now from a mixture of hysterical laughter and sheer terror.

    I second the motion that “sticking to a bundt pan” is one of the best lines ever in the history of the world. Seriously.

    Also seriously, I am pasting this into an email and sending to my own teenage son.

  7. No woman should ever have to take medication to avoid procreation. It should always be the guy – it’s much easier to slip on some latex. And condoms are just as effective!

  9. Good heavens!
    I am now sighing in relief, due to the fact that condoms were my main method of birth control before marriage.
    By the time you actually USE a condom correctly any chance of having decent sex is over! Just say no, people! It’s not worth it!
    Egads.

  10. Since my husband and I only use condoms, I’m hoping that %85 percent is a few points off, since I in no way want to be pushing a stroller any time soon.

    Thanks for so many laughs, so early in the day.

    (And what, no Republican debate analysis? I was looking forward to some deft skewering of Tom Tancredo.)

  11. Any sentence about someone being on the pill that contains the words “we assumed” is destined for comedy greatness.

    I supposed condoms are better than nothing, but just about any other method of birth control is better (and more pleasurable!) than condoms.

    As re: leaving air or not leaving air…you pinch the tip as you put it on, so you do leave a half-inch or so at the tip, but it shouldn’t have air in it. Bubbles lead to breakage, but so can not having some room at the tip.

    At work, we like Joe Lube condoms and lubricants. They’re a great vendor (we give out condoms to the public, so we buy them in very large quantities), and some of us have found our “test-drives” of the products to be very satisfactory.

  12. I’m the result of a condom being used for birth control, and the odds were stacked even HIGHER against my poor parents because they were already 45 & 47 YEARS OLD!

    If that doesn’t scare someone into taking the pill, nothing will.

  13. I’m laughing and terrified at the same time. Any chance you can shoot her with a tranquilizer dart filled with birth control? Too Extreme?

    I am printing this out for when my son is old enough for the sex talk. And now I can provide step by step instructions with the banana demonstration.

  15. Uh oh…that don’t sound good.

    Look at the bright side though, at least now I’m more educated. 🙂

  16. Thanks! I needed the laugh before meeting with a client. Now if I break into uncontrollable fits of laughter (b/c I am that mature) I will know who to blame!

    YEEHAAAAA!

  18. Bossy, you should teach sex ed. Also, my favorite ad of the year from Durex Condoms:

    To all of those who use our competitors’ products:

    Happy Father’s Day.

  19. I’m saving this post for any future children I end up being ‘blessed’ with. Also, as far as intercoursal lubricationary methodologies, I always enjoy using Pam no-stick spray. It’s not as messy as butter or as oily as, well….oil.

  21. Well, I have three very young sons, but I now feel more prepared to scare the shit out of them when it’s time…or maybe Bossy could do it for me?

  22. I don’t know whether to laugh or start to panic. (Check out my post for today, and you’ll see what I mean.) I’m sure when I was younger, 85% effective sounded like pretty good odds. Young and stupid, baby!

    We’d better come up with an alternate plan. Any more kids and I’ll lay down in front of a commuter train!

  23. I think your son’s girlfriend is honest, but “not so smart” (trying not to say stupid) … if they’re gonna do it (and you know they are)… they need to be on something with better odds. I told my son, be sure you know she’s taking the pill, also wear a condom, or be prepared to start celebrating Fathers Day along with your own dad!

    I am not ready to be a Grandma yet!

  24. Holy smokes. And hopefully smoke is the only thing that’s “holy”, while talking about condoms.

    My nephew and his girlfriend weren’t even using those. They were using the RHYTHM METHOD.

    Yeah.

    they married 2 weeks ago and she’s due in October.

  26. Condoms scare me — I’m so glad my husband is fixed now. What I’d like to know is how long the linen version was around before somebody decided to try something else — ouch! Abrasive and porous. Not what I look for in a condom — maybe an exfoliant ….

  28. 13 years ago, we mixed alcohol and the condom (ok, you know what I mean) and became part of that 15%:o

  31. Sticking to the bundt pan? Poetic genius!
    Loved this post. I’m laughing so hard I can barely type and my 15yo son is now scarred for life!!! Yes I read it to him. In between laughing and rolling his eyes came the response I wanted, “Only 85%? Your better off just not doing it!”
    Fab!!!!!!!!

  32. I am glad my child is only 3. I have a long time before I have to stop laughing and start thinking about these things.

  33. Absolutely loved this! One further alternative method of birth control you might want to mention – a kids’ matinee movie. Any time I mentioned kids to my husband, he always took me out to a matinee. After sitting through the movie while kids ran up and down the ailes, screaming and throwing popcorn, I wasn’t so keen on making a baby any more. Needless to say, hubby never got laid on these dates, but it did ensure we didn’t have kids until we were both really ready for it(or until movies got so bad that the screaming kids throwing popcorn started to look really entertaining).

  34. Hmmm… I am going to email this to my other half. His idea of sexy birth control is FRUIT FLAVOURED CONDOMS. I had a head-melting, case of the giggles at the smell of the strawberry one (think: twizzlers and strawberry liquorice) that he didn’t get laid that night.

    He does not want another baby.

    Mind you, I do. Maybe I won’t email this in fact…

  35. Ms Robinson’s formative fucking years were fortunately spent condomless. Then the fear of dying for a fuck changed all that. She still cannot put one on a man gracefully and thanks Bossy for her learned advice.

  36. Are you getting free condoms for this?

    The line about intestines and safe sex was great!

    Good advice.

    I know you are thinking of taking this routine to the road and showing the sex educators how to teach sex and have fun with it!!

  38. So hilarious! And yet reading the comments…so frightening how many people didn’t know the facts.

    That damn sex education in school–all those facts and crap!

  39. You should publish this and then hire a plane and drop the leaflets onto playgrounds and church parking lots. And take Jenn with you to distribute her “letter to a teenage boy”.

    Then you both can go on Oprah.

  40. I am SO damn glad that I am old, old, old, and was in college during the *ahem* Sexual Revolution, when we Just Said No to condoms and YesYesYes to birth control pills and The Party That Was. Poor kids these days, STD’s and all that stuff to worry about. This post was a hilarious reminder of why I was always glad to be able to say “Put those away, I’m on the Pill”, and see his look of beaming relief.

    Ahh…the Good Old Days, when I still had a libido…thanks, Bossy!

  41. Just found out my younger sister is pregnant with new BF due to lack of pill and not-so-good condom usage. AAAHHH!
    She must have been greasing the condom with Crisco…

  42. Just popped over from In The Trenches of Mommyhood. This post is hi-frickin-larious! I came thisclose to peeing myself!

    Thanks for the laugh, and the info!

  43. Damn woman.

    “Although it will prevent the penis from sticking to the bundt pan.”

    Made me laugh til I cried.

  44. I read your post and didn’t believe you…I went to a condom website 85%!!! HOlY Hell… I always thought the pill was bad… Remember to remind your son that the morning after pill isn’t to effective either (thats what it is called in Australia, maybe you call it emergency contraceptive???) I have gotten pregnant using that… Oh and I got pregnant once on the pill too…Sure teaches you to take it at THE SAME TIME EVERYDAY!!!

  46. You had me at hello…but this —

    “Although it will prevent the penis from sticking to the bundt pan.”

    — had me cracking up so much my secretary came to my office to see what I was laughing about!

    Oh, the image that is now looping through my head! LMAO — Thanks!

    TGIF ya’ll! Les~

  47. Wow, your readers have secretaries!

    What I don’t understand is whether it is necessary to *flour* the penis as well before inserting it…into…the bundt pan…oh god, this was all a JOKE?!

    (serious now: if girlfriend doesn’t want to do the hormonal bc thing, they can use a topical spermicide like VCF that’s compatible with condoms, or — better still — she can get a cervical cap or a diaphragm and its attendant spermicide TO USE WITH THE CONDOM AND NOT BY ITSELF YOU CRAZY KIDS. Double barrier methods = best protection your parents’ money can buy.)

  49. I’m not even going to ask how this discussion started with a child’s girlfriend over her form of birth control.

    After that conversation, I’d have to say my form of birth control would be speaking with my boyfriend’s mom about my cooch.

  50. This is my first bossy read and I actualy had to take a break after “bunt pan” because I could no longer see the screen. Thanks for a great laugh!