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Blog Kindergarten: A Bossy Tutorial. North Korea. Again.

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OK, so there was this country, right? Korea. It was, like, one of the world’s oldest civilizations. We’re talking 8000 BC. And all kinds of shit happened to it: The Three Kingdoms this, the Joseon Dynasty that. But over time it became an isolationist country – enjoying its own company. And Korea clocked over two centuries of peacetime. That’s like one two three four two hundred years of peace. Which doesn’t mean their asses were happy, it just means they were keeping they shit at home.

And then around 1870 Japan got antsy because Korea was all cozying up to China. Japan was all, “You’re my baby.” And in 1910 Japan moved its shit into Korea’s house and stayed. Japan had its underwear in Korea’s drawers, its robe in Korea’s closet. And Korea couldn’t date anybody else. For thirty-five years.

In the meantime World War Two went down. And Japan was all engaged with everybody else. And so the Soviet Union and the United States started courting Korea big time. And when Japan surrendered at the end of the war both the Soviet Union and the United States celebrated by dumping Japan’s shit out of Korea’s second-story windows and telling Japan to stay the fuck out. Because the Soviet Union and the United States were all up in Korea’s business. And the United States was all, “Baby you’re mine,” and the Soviets were all, “Baby you’re mine.”

So the U.S. and the Soviets divided Korea in two along the 38th parallel – the U.S. occupying the southern half and the Soviets claiming the northern half. And because the United States and the Soviet Union were both egocentric narcissists, they established baby governments in their respective halves that mirrored their own ideology.

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And then the United States and the Soviet Union split on that shit and their baby governments, leaving South Korean President Syngman Rhee and North Korean General Secretary Kim ll-Sung to coexist through one shared wall.

Except in 1950 North Korea began working out and got all strong and shit and decided to overtake puffy South Korea across the 38th parallel. This threatened America’s democracy because everything and its mother threatens American democracy. So President Truman got his ass all involved and ordered his best and brightest back to South Korea to protect it. He also sent one
cross-dresser.

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The U.S. and United Nations troops used air power to blow up roads and rails and bridges and refineries and seaports. The U.S. and U.N. troops pushed North Korea by the collarbone straight back across the 38th parallel. North Korea hung its head, which wasn’t good enough for U.S. General Douglas MacArthur who wanted to press farther into North Korea territory because he suddenly had a vision of one communist-free Korea.

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But instead President Eisenhower kicked MacArthur’s ass to the curb, and in 1953 the United Nations accepted a cease-fire agreement. And although North Korea and South Korea played them some territorial push me/pull me the North/South border was conveniently situated back around the 38th parallel at the time of the armistice. And so a demilitarized zone was established and everyone lived happily ever not so fast.

Because in 1994 North Korean General Secretary Kim ll-Sung died and his son Kim Jong-il took over. And the first thing Kim Jong-il did was decide that his inherited title, General Secretary, made it sound like his ass was typing memos and pouring coffee for the boss and shit, so he had his legislature give him a new title: the Chairman of the National Defense Commission – and then he had those same hussies declare it was the highest office of the state.

And then North Korea threw all its coin into the military – into missile and nuclear weapons production instead of grain production. And the lack of grub caused a countrywide famine in the mid 90s. But chances are if your North Korean ass didn’t die from the famine then your North Korean ass joined the military, since North Korea has the fifth largest military in the world with the greatest percentage of its citizens enlisted.

And all the while on this playground we got George W Bush’s honky ass poking his finger into North Korea’s chest and declaring them a part of the “axis of evil”. And he’s steady backing North Korea up against the wall and shit with economic sanctions meant to convince North Korea to disarm because America is the only country allowed to play with Nuclear Reactors and Plutonium and Test Detonation and stuff and why is that so hard to understand?

So this past February the United Nations got up in North Korea’s face and told them to begin the Disarmament process in exchange for aid and fuel relief. And just to make sure North Korea would comply the United States served North Korea a salt-rimmed glass of Frozen Funds. North Korea agreed to shut down their nuclear facility but not until their asses assets were thawed, which happened this weekend.

Will North Korea remain faithful? Will it have another secret bank account baby with Russia and then catch amnesia?

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Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. I’ve always loved me some history, military and otherwise, but until now I never realized how soap-opera-esque all of it is. On reflection, though….

    History.
    Time.
    Sands through an hour glasss…..

    Damn, Bossy. You’re wicked deep.

  3. Thank goodness for Bossy history lessons because without them I’d actually have to READ the copies of Time and Newsweek and U.S. New and World Report that I so optimistically subscribe to each and every year. Now, I can just go on and give them away to the library magazine exchange program and gets me some People and Entertainment Weekly instead, to go along with my bul-go-gi for lunchies.

  4. Wow. I always wondered what really happened over there. Now I know. Thanks, Bossy. I haven’t read all your archives but if you haven’t already explained Irag… could you please. I’m perplexed.

  8. The World According to Bossy – now THAT would be a great history book. Or coffee table book — are you literary agents out there listening?

  11. I feel smarter than a fifth grader for the first time in a while. Please Blog Kindergarten an explanation for all world conflicts. Also, if you could boss world leaders back to Actual Kindergarten, that would be good to.

  14. And this recent turn of events is exactly why I told B that, even though I love him, I do NOT want to go to Korea with him next summer. But I don’t think he’s gonna let me off the hook. Then again, who knows if Korea will even be there next summer?

  20. Love your history lesson! I’ve been trying to convince my students for ages that history is nothing more than a freaking soap opera of who’s fucking whom and who’s stabbing whom in the back (frequently the same thing).

  23. The thing is, as funny as you are and as expertly as this is written and as many times as I laughed… this shit is not really funny, is it?

    Why USA gotta be evybody baby daddy?

  25. Holy cow. Can you please cover the rest of the world, starting with Iraq and Afghanistan? Maybe I’ll really know what my beloved NPR announcers are talking about in the morning once and for all. Don’t forget a retrospective on Bosnia too, k?

  26. Please for the love of god start a career in writing text books for schools and children of all grades.

    thank you

  27. Eckchewuhly, it was Prezzydent Truman who kicked MacArthur’s ass to the curb, but nice piece overall.

  28. Bossy, you’re the best. Whenever you want to come up to the boonies and visit, let me know. I can bring you to my classes for show and tell lololololololool.

    “Hey everyone. For my show and tell, I brought Bossy. She’s the bestest history buff and all ’round blogger in the entire universe. Every say hi.”

  30. Way to go, Bossy. Tell it like it is! (Hey, wait a minute, I’m a month late. Oh well, better late than never.)