Behold Exhibit A: the object Bossy’s blue blood Oreck XL vacuum could not suck up through its 12” Microsweep base plate into its top-loading
self-sealing bag if its plastic ass depended on it:
This is not a new problem. Bossy has always hated her vacuum, as detailed in Exhibit B: the letter that Bossy wrote to Oreck in 1999:
Back to the item Bossy’s Oreck won’t inhale: it’s a leaf. It’s not even a leaf—it’s the schmutzy corner of the midrib of a very insignificant leaf. And despite Bossy’s attempt to roll over this item
a few million several times, the schmutzy leaf corner remained for all eternity—on the very hardwood floor that Bossy once sanded and whitewashed and polyurethaned until she lost the six years she would have spent playing Mah Jung at the Senior Center.
And just in case you think Bossy is exaggerating the size of her foliate phlegm, Bossy posed the subject next to a paperclip:
And just in case you think this is one of those ginormous paperclips that are all the rage these days, Bossy posed the partial petiole next to a pebble:
And just in case you think the pebble is actually a boulder that fell from the side of Mount Olympus, Bossy posed the stubby stipule next to the paperclip next to the pebble next to Godzilla:
Hilary saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:07 am
Any questions? Yeah… where’d you get that mammoth canine?
I feel your vacuum pain… mine works just fine but the hose falls apart at least once per use. That sucks.. or doesn’t..
vuboq saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:28 am
Not a question, but a little advice:
Bossy, it’s time for a manicure.
blackbird saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:29 am
If Bossy gets all Dooce on my ass and starts posting pictures of dog shit?
I’M OUT OF HERE.
Bossy needs a Dyson. But, as I’ve mentioned, Bossy seems to think her children will be attending very posh institutions of higher education – so BOSSY NEEDS A BROOM*.
*(Not a Halloween reference.)
chirky saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:30 am
Am I the only one who, upon seeing the leaf for the first (and second) time, thought it was maybe a pterodactyl? And didn’t know it was actually a leaf until Bossy told me so? And was wondering: “Why does Bossy have a pterodactyl on her floor? What kind of show is she running over there, anyway?”
All Adither saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:31 am
Perhaps the issue isn’t with the vacuum but with that very strong-willed leaf.
RuthWells saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:35 am
Yeah, my question is how in god’s name do you clip Stella’s nails without pneumatic tools? (Or, perhaps you DO use pneumatic tools?)
BigC saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:39 am
It CAN get worse. I have a horrid vaccum that not only doesn’t pick up stuff like that very well, it actually has the nerve to blow so much air out the side that it STIRS UP the dust, hairballs, last night’s spaghetti, dog hair and blows it around. Onto the surfaces you just cleaned. But, here is the best part:
Last year my boyfriend gave it to me as a birthday gift.
I split up with him about 3 weeks later.
Noelle saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:40 am
But could it vacuum the paper clip? I’m working with a 8 year old $54 Hoover from Target, and it can do paperclips. Of course, then it stops working for a week, but who wants to vacuum anyway?
madmad saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:47 am
I am just throwing out my keyboard. Right now.
Paula saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:48 am
That’s a lovely pebble, by the way. Where can I get myself a pebble like that?
JamesMommy saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:02 am
You crack me up. Love the perspective series of pics. Just love ’em.
Dr. Monkey saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:03 am
Nope, no questions. You pretty much covered it.
dexter saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:09 am
Oreck vacs SUCK! And not the way you want it to suck. I hated mine since day 1. I wrote the company and told them their vac sucked and asked how can it pick up a bowling ball and not pick up a little piece of fuzz. They responded “sir you have to realize that we use a special tool that we developed to pick up that bowling ball”. When asked If I could buy the bowling ball attachment, they hung up on me.
jen saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:12 am
i always liked the sound of a hoover better. i mean…hoover… now that’s a word, something is happening there.
oreck? i can’t even get a feel for it…oreck. bleech.
chocolatechic saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:36 am
When are you purchasing a new vacuum???
Why do you vacuum your hard wood floors that you so lovingly sanded, whitewashed and polyurethaned? Why are you not using a dust mop. They are quicker, and when you apply Pledge to bottom of said dust mop, and wax your floors, you will be highly entertained by your pet who can not walk on it…bwahahahahahaha
Anyway……sorry about your suckless vac.
Carrie saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:48 am
Bossy you crack me up. Yeah I have a question, my husband wants a great dane in the worst way… how do you keep your floors so nice… I envision nail trenches all over the place.
nicole saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:58 am
I have an Oreck. It hates me. Rebels against me. Every time I open the closet to use it, it laughs at me. LAUGHS! Just when I think about getting a new one, it works properly. Then taunts me again. It’s a vicious cycle with an Oreck. It’s an abusive relationship. We can’t break up, I love it.
joeinvegas saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:06 am
Why not get a built in vac? I’ve put them in our past three houses and one of the first requirements for moving into a new place is the installation of the vac. With the BIG motor out in the garage, the light hose and no noise inside and the really suckiness it is an item to love.
davido saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:10 am
Alas, a topic which has been on my mind! Damn, that’s a huge friggin leaf! Also, Mahjong looks pretty boring, so those six years? Whatever..
A couple of weeks ago, realizing we didn’t really have a functional vacuum, I said: “I think we need to get a Roomba!” Now, I don’t work for them or anything, but the thought of having a robot meticulously vacuuming my house on its own just warms my geeky heart.
So? Anybody have any experience or anecdotes with these? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check irobot dot com.
superblondgirl saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:30 am
That is a big dog foot.
And a tiny leaf.
And a shitty vacuum on par with my shitty vacuum (which was free so I shouldn’t complain too much about it).
Suebob saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:30 am
Sears does not pay me for these endorsements, but I love love love my Progressive canister vac. They come in cool colors. They suck in a good way. They have a little powered upholstery/stairs tool that is just magic. The higher-end ones have little lights to tell you when the carpet is clean and you can stop going over and over it. The tool cover door is a little flimsy, but that’s my only complaint. Go forth and purchase.
Mrs saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:31 am
Remember Snigletts? There used to be a sniglett for a person who ran over something with their vacuum three times, picked it up to examine it, then threw it on the floor to let the vacuum try again. I can’t remember what it was, though.
In fact, the only Sniglett I can remember is “Carmagneticus.” It’s about the one car in the parking lot that seems to draw all the grocery carts to surround it.
Nancy saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:32 am
Plant a bowling ball tree, their fall foliage should be easier on your vacuum.
Howard saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:37 am
You know it’s true: it is the little things.
stella saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:52 am
whitewashed, polyeurethaned, HARDWOOD FLOORS?
bossy. you brighten my day with this shit.
Teryn saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:04 pm
My word, that’s a big paw.
jozet saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:05 pm
I superglued the leaf to your floor.
You weren’t supposed to notice it until April 1.
reen saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Yeah, how has Godzilla Dog not completely munged up those beautiful floors? Are there tiny pieces of felt stuck under each of those claws?
I’ve hated each and every vacuum I’ve ever owned. Because of that, I’ve devolved into one of those people Mrs refers to, who vacs over and over the item, picks it up to see whether maybe it was GLUED to the floor, then throws it back down in a different spot to try again. Self-inflicted torture.
Mrs. G. saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:16 pm
bossy needs a Dyson.
meleah rebeccah saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:26 pm
I love blackbirds comment.
And this post.
Bossy needs a Dyson for real.
mcewen saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:41 pm
Chihuahua, or Great Dane or ‘Big Foot’?
Suburban Kamikaze saysOctober 24, 2007 at 12:51 pm
Sheesh Bossy, it appears you put a lot of effort into that letter to Oreck. Did you manage to get anyone fired in research and development?
Laurie Foolery saysOctober 24, 2007 at 1:03 pm
No, chirky, you weren’t the only one who thought “large flying creature who deserves extinction,” although YOU were thinking “pterodactyl,” while I was thinking “California condor.” Either way, ugly, ugly ugly — should be vacuumed. Love my Riccar that’s worth more than my car, by the way.
sue saysOctober 24, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Perhaps the reason I have so much trouble with vacuums is because I refuse to pick up anything before I vacuum. That is why I would have tried to vacuum up the leaf, the paperclip, the pebble … and the dog. But I still hate Orecks. Also, Davido? Did you hear about the people who left their robot vacuum going when they went out, and their dog had an accident, and the robot vacuum spread it all over the house? Maybe it’s an urban legend, but it sure gave this vacuum hater a laugh.
Whit saysOctober 24, 2007 at 1:12 pm
Your vacuum sucks.
Isn’t it time for a trade-in?
Momo Fali saysOctober 24, 2007 at 1:30 pm
Mostly, I’m just impressed that Bossy used the word “midrib”.
Phoenix saysOctober 24, 2007 at 1:58 pm
Yup, which new shiny vacuum are you going to get?
Biddy saysOctober 24, 2007 at 2:24 pm
oh dear…biddy thinks bossy needs a dyson…or a hoover
i think stella and i wear the same shoe size
The Domestic Goddess saysOctober 24, 2007 at 2:25 pm
We just replaced our Oreck (bought in 2001) with a Sears Progressive Canister. OMG if it is possible to love a vacuum, I do, I do, I DO!!!! I liked the Oreck because it was light weight but it always sucked on floors. Carpets? Not too bad. Dog hair? Oy vey.
Yup. Got rid of the Oreck. Consumer Reports gives an interesting report. Dyson is not rated very high…
DeannaBanana saysOctober 24, 2007 at 2:42 pm
I share your Oreck Hatred. But I may love your dog’s paw slightly more than should be allowable.
Avitable saysOctober 24, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Clearly it’s a sign. You should just leaf it alone.
MinivanBohemian saysOctober 24, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I think vacuum cleaners suck in general. I had a $300 Hoover Windtunnel. It was always catching on fire, or um, smelling like it might. It would throw things out of the backside of it. I ended up buying a $40 Bissel from from Big Lots (refurbished.) I like it. My mother (gave me the Hoover.) who reads Consumer Reports like it is a fricking Bible was shocked that I would buy such a thing. When it dies, I will just buy a new one. It has lived up to my expectation perfectly.
David Pasteelnick saysOctober 24, 2007 at 3:21 pm
And the green grass grows all around, all around, and the green grass grows all around.
Melissa in NZ saysOctober 24, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Bossy clearly needs a Dyson. They really suck.
nutmeg saysOctober 24, 2007 at 3:48 pm
One word: Dyson.
Melissa saysOctober 24, 2007 at 4:01 pm
I took out a second mortgage on our home a few years ago and bought a Dyson. I never thought I could fall in love with an appliance, but I did.
OMSH saysOctober 24, 2007 at 4:15 pm
I have a Dyson.
It never loses suction.
I’m not getting paid to say this.
Get a DYSON.
annie saysOctober 24, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Yeah, I’d be pissed, too, if I was still making payments on the damn thing.
I buy a Bissell bagless at Walmart for $50 bucks. Every few years when it seems to be losing it’s sucking power, I THROW it AWAY and get a new one.
davido saysOctober 24, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Sue: “? Did you hear about the people who left their robot vacuum going when they went out, and their dog had an accident, and the robot vacuum spread it all over the house? Maybe it’s an urban legend, but it sure gave this vacuum hater a laugh.”
Well, they shoulda bought a new dog!
.. but that does give me pause, er paws, or something.
Ree saysOctober 24, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Hey I KNOW Great Dane paws when I see them. That is a huge leaf. 😉
Theresa Bakker saysOctober 24, 2007 at 6:31 pm
If we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we create a better vacuum. I feel your pain, bossy. If you ever get a chance to use all your blogging connections to find something better, please keep your reader(s) in the loop.
Laura saysOctober 24, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I swear by my Dyson-it truly is the most amazing vaccuum.
Les~ saysOctober 24, 2007 at 7:47 pm
LMAO @ this post and also Avitable’s comment…still LMAO…
Anyway, hubs and I bought a Kirby (you know, the door-to-door sales) in January of this year. It cost us more then my step-son’s car (ha!) but it sure does the job and then some. It’s also a carpet cleaner/steamer, a leaf blower (just think of what you could have done with that dayum leaf!) a back massager, a sander and you can easily break it down to vacuum stairs.
I have friends that have Dyson vacs and don’t like ’em…and I have a friend that HATES her Orek. The name even sounds evil, doesn’t it?
Your fur baby’s paw used in the comparison pic was AWESOME!
Anyway, as usual, thanks for making my day!
Nin saysOctober 24, 2007 at 7:57 pm
BOSSY needs a DYSON!
Diesel saysOctober 24, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Yeah, but how do I know that leaf isn’t one of those petrified leaves with the density of a white dwarf star? I could weigh 9,000 pounds for all I know. In fact, I think it’s denting the flooring. I will need to see a picture of a small child or yourself lifting it.
farminglassie saysOctober 24, 2007 at 9:40 pm
I am surprised with all the Dyson supporters rather than pay the price of a Dyson… Why don’t you just bend over and pick it up! Or might that be too much…Lawdy! Haven’t we become the pampered society.
Dawn saysOctober 24, 2007 at 10:54 pm
We have a Dyson.
And my husband cusses it weekly when he’s cutting my hair off of the roller.
Why doesn’t the dog just eat the leaf? Dog needs to earn his keep.
Velvet Verbosity saysOctober 24, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Bend over and pick it up? Obviously you do not suffer from stubbornness. If I buy a vacuum that is supposed to SUCK REASONABLY SIZED ITEMS from my floor, I know I’m going to run over THAT-WHICH-REFUSES-TO-BE-SUCKED-UP ten thousand times before I finally sigh and bend over and pick it up.
The question is not, “why not just bend over and pick it up?”. The question is (pointed at the vacuum), “why not just suck it up?”
velocibadgergirl saysOctober 25, 2007 at 12:36 am
I am madly in love with you over this post, especially the part where you used the word “petiole.”
BH saysOctober 25, 2007 at 8:06 am
Carperpetuation (kar-pur-pet-you-ay-shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
OreckRocks saysOctober 25, 2007 at 9:44 am
Bossy, I was crushed when I read today’s post. I logged on, ready for my daily dose of humor and saw my company’s name (yup, I work for Oreck) in big RED letters…and a sinking feeling began in the pit of my stomach.
Bossy doesn’t like me.
Perhaps Bossy needs to have the vacuum serviced?? **fingers crossed** Seriously, all vacuums need to be serviced EVERY single year or they lose suction (really, even you James Dyson). Its amazing what you learn when you work for a vac company (8 mo). Before that I bought a new vacuum every single year and cursed all of the major vac companies for failing me.
If that doesn’t work, Bossy can email me and I’ll try to hook you up.
@velocibadgergirl…omg that is sooooo funny. I have to send it around Oreck for a good chuckle.
Junebug saysOctober 25, 2007 at 10:55 am
Well, I’m late in reading this post, but my first thought when I saw the picture was that the vacuum couldn’t suck up a giant bird flying in the sky. The last picture put it into perspective, it was a small leaf stem thingy. Carperpetuation, pretty funny. I have picked up things and placed them better so the vacuum could get at them better. Who wants to walk to the trash can?
ali saysOctober 25, 2007 at 11:15 am
off to take the oreck off my chrismukah wishlist. damnit.
mothergoosemouse saysOctober 25, 2007 at 5:17 pm
That is all.
Linda at 2nd cup saysOctober 25, 2007 at 5:44 pm
first time here–you are hilarious. Who cannot relate to this? Why does a vaccuum gloss over stuff like this but literally reach out and grab sheer draperies like a greedy fiend?
Lisa saysOctober 25, 2007 at 6:16 pm
I will turn an age in two weeks that I care not to mention. I have asked all my friends to chip in and get me a Dyson. I am SO tired of the NO-SUCK suckiness of my current vacuum.
If all works as it should (and commenters above seem to think it will), I would be happy to share the Dyson with Bossy. Or at least photos of my spotless, leaf-free house.
bombaygirl saysOctober 25, 2007 at 6:31 pm
too funny. love the sequence of photos
erin saysOctober 25, 2007 at 10:45 pm
I initially thought the leaf was a thong.
Michael Bains saysOctober 26, 2007 at 8:12 am
Glad to see someone’s keepin’ Godzilla’s toenails trimmed.
Lap dogs like him need that done pretty frequently, eh.
Mrs. Chicken saysOctober 27, 2007 at 9:23 am
I also hate my Oreck. It can’t even suck up a tiny baby hairband that I am too lazy to pick up myself. Let’s form an Oreck hate club.
SAHMmy Says saysNovember 1, 2007 at 5:19 pm
I see why this was nominated for a Perfect Post Award–congratulations! I’m laughing my butt off picturing you pushing your vacuum over that piddly leaf dozens of times, too irritated by your crappy vacuum’s lack of suction to think to pick the damned thing up. I’ve done the same so many times!
Paulita saysNovember 2, 2007 at 10:03 am
Just pick up the damn leaf.
And I thought the leaf was a rag, maybe some sort of rag that had been first sucked down the toilet then pulled out and slung onto the floor.
nthnglsts saysNovember 2, 2007 at 8:33 pm
Between jobs I once had a gig cleaning an adult theater (all together now, ewwwwww!). All I had to do was vacuum those little rooms out—and the machine I used, always in the dark by the way, could pick up not only your average thong, but probably your average pterodactyl or Buick judging by the sound of what was hitting the back of the canister, which I, thankfully, never had to empty. I’m pretty sure the machine wasn’t a Dyson…but whatever it was, I can recommend it.
Ree, you made me laugh with: “If we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we create a better vacuum?” Isn’t the man on the moon already IN the better vacuum?
Kimberly Kwan saysNovember 3, 2007 at 5:35 pm
my Oreck sux (not to be confused with SUCK, which it doesn’t do too well) too, but damned if i don’t take it in EVERY year and pay them like $100 to TRY and get it sucking again. sigh. glad i’m not the only one who drank the Oreck Kool-Aid!
Glitterdragon saysNovember 4, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Just found your blog and have favorite placed it — love it!
I’m not paid by Sears either, but I love the Progessive. I got the one with bags (we had a bagless at work and I HATED emptying the crap out of the canister. Not to mention, what if you have to vacuum up a spider? I mean, who knows how long it might live in there, just waiting for the day you empty the canister to attack!).
Anyway, it works like a dream on pet hair, and as the owner of three cats and a 40 lb terrier mix who sheds enough hair on a daily basis I’m amazed he’s not bald, I know of which I speak. The dirt sensor light thingy is kind of cool (and a little scary, especially around the litter boxes). Also, it is beltless, yes beltless — no more frigging taking the cover apart with five different sizes of screwdrivers every time you suck up a sock to replace the stupid thing.