Last night Bossy had a little trouble sleeping. She didn’t have a problem falling asleep, but she did have an issue remaining asleep. This didn’t have a thing to do with the table of appetizers she consumed right before bed:
Just like it didn’t have to do with the fact that she ate herself silly while watching the always spooky Dexter on DVD with her friend Martha:
Lucky for Bossy, her mom taught her a relaxation technique specifically for the purpose of falling back to sleep, and here it is:
While lying on your back in the dark bedroom, close your eyes and relax all of your facial muscles. Now imagine you are drawing a circle in the sand with your foot.
But the problem remains, are you drawing this circle with the heel of your foot, or with the toes of your foot—are you dragging the heel through the sand backward or are you scooping your bent toes forward?
Let’s forget about the foot—just imagine there is a circle drawn in the sand:
Now imagine drawing the number 100 inside of the sand circle. Take it nice and slow and concentrate on every curve and every stroke and—Bossy is sorry, but are we still talking about insomnia?
Once complete, really allow yourself to assimilate the number 100. Because now you’re going to erase the number 100:
Wait—how can you erase sand? Maybe Bossy is confusing the whole Relaxation Technique thing with the whole beach thing. Forget the damn sand. Visualize a circle and inside that circle is the number 100 and you’re going to erase it:
Now carefully and purposefully draw the number 99 in its place:
Now carefully and purposefully erase the number 99 and draw the number 98:
Now purposefully erase the number 98. Think about how great it is that you’re meditating instead of worrying. Think about how great it would be if you dedicated this kind of attention to every aspect of your life. Ponder your friend Pam’s Gluten-Free diet and vow to begin your gluten-free diet tomorrow. Wonder if there is gluten in schnapps. Wonder if you remembered to wash out the mint cocoa & schnapps mugs, or if your dog is right this second in a chocolate coma. But back to the number. Decide to re-draw the number 98, lingering on the swoop of the nine and feeling each loop of the eight:
Now erase the number 98, watching it disappear inch by numerical inch. Think about how great it would be if you could erase everything in this manner. Like wrinkles. Ponder the various wrinkle creams and wonder if any of them really work. Turn on the light and scribble a bedside note to look up wrinkle creams in Consumer Reports. Turn off the light, but not before spying the heating duct. Wonder if your husband remembered to change the filter, or if the heater is still blowing mold spores all over your bedroom and oh my gah maybe you have a Mold Spore Allergy!
Touch your face. Be amazed that there are that many facial muscles and that you are currently using every single one of them. Press the lines on the bridge of your nose and feel them loosen. Feel your eyebrows return to their position above your eyes, and feel your ears drop back toward the pillow. Think about how cool it would be to have chickens if your yard wasn’t such a swamp and speaking of the yard, your son should stop parking behind you in the driveway since his car won’t start below 52 degrees. Right. Number 98. Be deliberate about each number: