Last night Bossy had a little trouble sleeping. She didn’t have a problem falling asleep, but she did have an issue remaining asleep. This didn’t have a thing to do with the table of appetizers she consumed right before bed:
Just like it didn’t have to do with the fact that she ate herself silly while watching the always spooky Dexter on DVD with her friend Martha:
Lucky for Bossy, her mom taught her a relaxation technique specifically for the purpose of falling back to sleep, and here it is:
While lying on your back in the dark bedroom, close your eyes and relax all of your facial muscles. Now imagine you are drawing a circle in the sand with your foot.
But the problem remains, are you drawing this circle with the heel of your foot, or with the toes of your foot—are you dragging the heel through the sand backward or are you scooping your bent toes forward?
Let’s forget about the foot—just imagine there is a circle drawn in the sand:
Now imagine drawing the number 100 inside of the sand circle. Take it nice and slow and concentrate on every curve and every stroke and—Bossy is sorry, but are we still talking about insomnia?
Once complete, really allow yourself to assimilate the number 100. Because now you’re going to erase the number 100:
Wait—how can you erase sand? Maybe Bossy is confusing the whole Relaxation Technique thing with the whole beach thing. Forget the damn sand. Visualize a circle and inside that circle is the number 100 and you’re going to erase it:
Now carefully and purposefully draw the number 99 in its place:
Now carefully and purposefully erase the number 99 and draw the number 98:
Now purposefully erase the number 98. Think about how great it is that you’re meditating instead of worrying. Think about how great it would be if you dedicated this kind of attention to every aspect of your life. Ponder your friend Pam’s Gluten-Free diet and vow to begin your gluten-free diet tomorrow. Wonder if there is gluten in schnapps. Wonder if you remembered to wash out the mint cocoa & schnapps mugs, or if your dog is right this second in a chocolate coma. But back to the number. Decide to re-draw the number 98, lingering on the swoop of the nine and feeling each loop of the eight:
Now erase the number 98, watching it disappear inch by numerical inch. Think about how great it would be if you could erase everything in this manner. Like wrinkles. Ponder the various wrinkle creams and wonder if any of them really work. Turn on the light and scribble a bedside note to look up wrinkle creams in Consumer Reports. Turn off the light, but not before spying the heating duct. Wonder if your husband remembered to change the filter, or if the heater is still blowing mold spores all over your bedroom and oh my gah maybe you have a Mold Spore Allergy!
Touch your face. Be amazed that there are that many facial muscles and that you are currently using every single one of them. Press the lines on the bridge of your nose and feel them loosen. Feel your eyebrows return to their position above your eyes, and feel your ears drop back toward the pillow. Think about how cool it would be to have chickens if your yard wasn’t such a swamp and speaking of the yard, your son should stop parking behind you in the driveway since his car won’t start below 52 degrees. Right. Number 98. Be deliberate about each number:
Mrs. Fussypants says
January 30, 2008 at 9:51 amTonight, mah bossy, tylenol pm!
Dude, I’ll be at your house for snacks tonight.
Sister Honey Bunch says
January 30, 2008 at 9:53 amJust finish off the Schnapps. That’ll do the trick.
Manic Mommy says
January 30, 2008 at 9:56 amIt’s like someone is holding down the scan button on your inner monologue.
I prefer Benadryl, mmmm…coma…
Flibberty says
January 30, 2008 at 9:58 amI don’t know how anyone can sleep after watching Dexter. Gah, that one is too much for me, what with the blood and the dismembered body parts.
Momo Fali says
January 30, 2008 at 9:59 amThis is why I take Ambien. You’ll still do all that worrying, but you won’t remember any of it. Also, you won’t feel guilty about any extra calories, because you’ll eat all that food IN your sleep.
All Adither says
January 30, 2008 at 9:59 amHey, where are the tiny pigs wrapped in the tiny blankets. You call that a tray of apps?
Laura says
January 30, 2008 at 10:03 amNice foodie and wine stuff goin’ on-I love it! Forget the fancy anti-wrinkle creams & go for the botox, much cheaper in the long run.
Billy says
January 30, 2008 at 10:08 amDAMN you’re funny!!!
…just an over-the-counter FYI for y’all…
Tylenol PM IS BENADRYL! …with some Tylenol mixed in…
Grandma J says
January 30, 2008 at 10:09 amBossy wouldn’t have a problem staying asleep if she had drank that dang bottle of wine instead of the mint cocoa and schnapps.
Chocolate induced commas work too.
RuthWells says
January 30, 2008 at 10:15 amSounds like my nights. Let me know if you find something that works, because I’m about to kill myself just so I can get some sleep
chocolatechic says
January 30, 2008 at 10:16 amaaahhhhhhhh….
Hot chocolate and butterscotch schnapps…..great combo!
I generally read myself to sleep.
Madmad says
January 30, 2008 at 10:21 amYep. Except NO chickens. Man, the poop – it’s HORRIBLE.
Flea says
January 30, 2008 at 10:31 amI have a thing for hot cocoa and peppermint schnapps. Mmmm.
It takes me forever to get to sleep, so I imagine a stick of butter on my head. It’s melting slowly down my face and head, melting and relaxing all the muscles. Seems to work ok. I’ll have to try your version and see how long it keeps me awake.
Maddy says
January 30, 2008 at 10:31 amWhatever works for you dearie.
Cheers
joeinvegas says
January 30, 2008 at 10:48 amYea, the wine, next time two bottles.
vuboq says
January 30, 2008 at 10:49 amBossy’s brain is scary. I may not be able to sleep tonight.
Jenny says
January 30, 2008 at 10:50 amI take a pill that looks almost exactly like that 100 with the circle around it. I suspect this is some sort of subliminal marketing campaign that you’re getting paid for. Not fair, Bossy. Not fair at all.
Junebug says
January 30, 2008 at 10:56 amI have never tried this technique before but I will now. I’ve found that praying for people puts you right to sleep. Right in the middle, oops, I fell asleep. Now staying asleep after consuming strange combinations of food items is what makes me wake up and head to the bathroom. Hate that!
dgm says
January 30, 2008 at 11:08 amAll that drawing and erasing in the mind sounds like make-work. Why not visualize the 1 and be done with it? So I’m with you, totally wandering off on tangents. When I was a kid and I couldn’t sleep I’d try counting sheep (because I saw it in cartoons), but I’d always end up following the sheep after it jumped over the fence, and we’d wander through the meadow together.
I highly recommend 250 mg of magnesium an hour before bed. Your body probably needs it anyway, and once you are on it regularly you may find (I did) that sugar cravings are GONE. Gone, I say!
Alice says
January 30, 2008 at 11:08 ami’m all for tylenol pm. if my brain’s going nutso at night, there’s not enough sand in the world to calm it down enough for me to fall asleep..
Miss Britt says
January 30, 2008 at 11:44 amYou are so much more productive with your inability to STAY asleep than I am.
I wake up my husband every five minutes with gems like “are you asleep?” and “I can’t sleep!” and “will you wake up and talk to me? please?”
Spacemonkey says
January 30, 2008 at 11:51 amI love you. You are so funny. Between you and Stella I get an ab workout just from laughing! I have found a sure-fire solution to my insomnia. It is the Stephen King book, Insomnia. I still have not gotten more than two pages in to it. The title makes me tired. Stupid, but true.
Erica says
January 30, 2008 at 11:58 amThis is my nighttime routine EXACTLY. Why is it that I can’t sleep?
we_be_toys says
January 30, 2008 at 12:01 pmI can’t imagine how all those lovely and nutritious snacks could have possibly had any effect on your insomnia. More likely, like me, you have a tiny little gerbil, living in your head, who insists on running in his squeaky, creaky, freaking wheel ALL NIGHT LONG. I mean come on – who can sleep with THAT going on?
The Domestic Goddess says
January 30, 2008 at 12:04 pmThis would take me all night. I am totally a perfectionist when it comes to drawing numbers in my head in the sand with my foot. I’d erase it, start over, lose my place, start over, blah, blah, blah. And I wonder why I CANNOT sleep. Hmmmm…
Dory says
January 30, 2008 at 12:04 pmOh, I’ve been there SO many times! I hate not being able to turn off my brain. So usually I douse it with benedryl or wine. Shuts it right up.
Peg says
January 30, 2008 at 12:09 pmDon’t ever consider chickens in the back yard, not cool. Just as you finally fall back to sleep, the rooster will make sure that your plans change immediately. Then you will have to serve breakfast to the entire neighborhood and they won’t accept the leftover mini quiches and wine. Not worth the fun you and little Bossy will have collecting a few eggs.
Kristin says
January 30, 2008 at 12:10 pmOMG, this is a very Ellen DeGeneres-esk post. HAH-larious!! You so need to be on her show!
Robin says
January 30, 2008 at 12:13 pmBossy needs to find a way to turn off her brain at night. I find reading a chapter of a book I’ve already read helpful. Perhaps Bossy should try this?
A Whole Lot of Nothing says
January 30, 2008 at 12:34 pmThe whole time I try to think of something to make me fall asleep, I keep running “Chumbawumba” through my teeny brain.
Not good.
andrea says
January 30, 2008 at 12:43 pmFor some reason I’m feeling very sleepy…
dlyn says
January 30, 2008 at 12:43 pmI make sure to never run out of TylenolPM – the store brand actually becasue I am cheap and they work just as well. Chickens in the back yard are nice but in the winter their water freezes and you have to go thaw it or chip holes in the ice 3 or 4 times every day. Not fun.
meleah rebeccah says
January 30, 2008 at 12:49 pmDEXTER is THE BEST.
Tootsie Farklepants says
January 30, 2008 at 1:04 pmI do something similar, except when I’m writing in the sand, I’m balancing my checkbook.
Christine says
January 30, 2008 at 1:07 pmBossy should not call herself an idiot. Be nice to Bossy, Bossy.
And drink MORE WINE.
biddy says
January 30, 2008 at 1:32 pmanother reason bossy should visit biddy: biddy has muscle relaxers
Susan says
January 30, 2008 at 1:50 pmYou phucking kill me!
dara says
January 30, 2008 at 2:00 pmI am addicted to Dexter….the creepy music and all.
Too much MSG/processed chemicals in the apps….plus the wine and schanpps? Girl, I am surprised you could even fall asleep.
David says
January 30, 2008 at 2:00 pmI’m never taking you to a yoga class.
Foolery says
January 30, 2008 at 2:03 pmI have begun counting the grains of sand and ordering them into piles according to color, size, and religious affiliation.
What now?
Amy says
January 30, 2008 at 2:14 pmI do something similar as well except I either alphabetize things; states, cities, boys names, girls names, dog breeds, etc. OR I do this thing where I work hard at keeping my eyes open. After a while I realize they are closed so I open them again. Eventually, I just fall asleep without noticing.
Heather says
January 30, 2008 at 2:21 pmThat would have come in handy at 3:30 am when my 6 year old came into my room and would not go back to sleep. I could have taught him that method. Better yet, next time I’ll just feed him the Schnapps.
Noelle says
January 30, 2008 at 2:37 pmIs that a typical pre-sleep snack for you? Because if so, you might want to consider cutting back a little. Then you don’t have to worry about the numbers in the sand.
Mr Farty says
January 30, 2008 at 2:45 pmAre we talking about the same Dexter?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dexter's_Laboratory
Nah, thought not.
I’m planning a Road Trip through Bossy’s brain. Those snacks will come in handy.
Beverly says
January 30, 2008 at 3:49 pmOh I almost snorted water out my nose laughing so hard. This should come with a disclaimer!!
Beverly
PS Are you still planning the awesome road trip?
Redneck Mommy says
January 30, 2008 at 4:12 pmI don’t know…counting backwards, drawing circles with my feet, rubbing facial muscles, using my imagination, meditating…sounds like too much work to fall asleep for me.
I’ll stick with the vino.
And the battery operated toys. Works every time.
kitcat says
January 30, 2008 at 4:32 pmMy friend who is a pretty professional drinker has warned me that the combo of a lot of wine and Tylenol is MUY bad for the liver. So, what to do? I felt like crying at the thought of giving up either (seriously. I have 4 boys, 9 and under.good reason?) Then she told me that there is such a thing as Tylenol PM W/OUT the Tylenol!
(also, just take 1 pill rather than the 2pill suggested dosage as 2 can make you really drugged out rather than just sleep well.)
Victoria says
January 30, 2008 at 4:48 pmI (heart) Tylenol PM. And ambien. And the counterfeit Ambien my boss brought me back from Asia as a souvenir.
I (heart) my boss.
Victoria says
January 30, 2008 at 4:49 pmI (heart) Tylenol PM. And ambien. And the counterfeit Ambien my boss brought me back from Asia as a souvenir.
I (heart) my boss.
Julie says
January 30, 2008 at 5:16 pmNow, I don’t mean to ruin your sleep TONIGHT… But Girlfriend you gotta take down the Christmas light over your bookshelf! It’s almost Valentines’ Day.
OH dear, my OCD side just reared its’ ugly head. Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight, worrying about Bossy’s house.
Tylenol PM, I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!
Julie says
January 30, 2008 at 5:19 pmNow, I don’t mean to ruin your sleep TONIGHT… But Girlfriend you gotta take down the Christmas light over your bookshelf! It’s almost Valentines’ Day.
OH dear, my OCD side just reared its’ ugly head. Now I won’t be able to sleep tonight, worrying about Bossy’s house.
Tylenol PM, I LOVE YOUUUUUUUU!!!!
Jennifer says
January 30, 2008 at 5:35 pmYou. Are. Hilarious.
Sorry about the insomnia thing. Same thing happens to my husband. I’ll forward him this post – maybe it will help.
kitcat says
January 30, 2008 at 5:59 pmFunny, I was just thinking how clean, pretty and grown-up Bossy’s house is.
made me jealous as mine is strewn with toys, wrappers and the confetti that the puppy makes every day (shredding up every bit of homework, books, magazines(!)etc)
I like those little lights. just call them Valentine’s lights. Then Easter, Cinco de Mayo, 4th of July….
Chicky says
January 30, 2008 at 6:43 pmZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
(worked for me)
Chesapeake Bay Woman says
January 30, 2008 at 6:46 pmThe moral of this story as I see it: There is no gluten in red wine.
I share Bossy’s gluten fears even though in theory I am not sensitive to it. (My sister is, though, which means IN PRACTICE I am too. And because gluten is IN EVERYTHING I fear starvation. Or rather deprivation.)
But red wine, thank the stars above, is gluten free.
RX: Sip 1-3 glasses 1 hour before bedtime. Take as needed. Fear not the gluten. Amen.
sparx says
January 30, 2008 at 6:46 pmOh my god I am falling asleep already. I might have to try this one.
blue girl says
January 30, 2008 at 6:53 pmYou crack me up.
annie says
January 30, 2008 at 7:01 pmI build my dream house and then decorate it in my head, to fall asleep, bu only after I do 14 laps around the house and make sure everything’s locked and turned off.
moosh in indy says
January 30, 2008 at 7:40 pmI picture the alphabet in tiger stripes. A-H. Because then I get distracted. And then Cody starts snoring really loud.
Then I swear a little.
Then I start over with the alphabet with yellow polka dots.
Haley says
January 30, 2008 at 8:39 pmLOL! My sides hurt from laughing so hard…of course the fact that you couldn’t sleep isn’t funny, I should know I used to suffer from insomnia myself all the time.
Then I had a baby. Now I can’t get enough rest it seems.
Reese says
January 30, 2008 at 9:09 pmBossy, make friends with Abe Lincoln and The Beaver. It works for me…
peppermint T says
January 30, 2008 at 9:39 pmI’m just glad I’m not the only one who lays awake worrying about mold spores.
Wendy Piersall says
January 30, 2008 at 9:59 pmI wonder… was Bossy spying on me in bed last night?
I took the dang Tylenol PM and was still up at 3:30 am wondering about crap. So I got up and played Spider Solitaire instead.
Suebob says
January 30, 2008 at 10:18 pmMy insomia fighting trick was to recite the names of AKC dog breeds in alphabetical order…affenpinscher, afghan hound, airedale, akita…but then I always forgot boston terrier and it would drive me even crazier. Maybe I will try the sand.
MammaLoves says
January 30, 2008 at 10:25 pmOr you could just drink more schnaaps.
Mayberry Magpie says
January 30, 2008 at 11:57 pmBossy, Bossy, Bossy, how can you not know about Xanex? It’ll cure your insomnia and anything else that ails you. Not that anything else ails you, of course. Just sayin’.
CJ says
January 30, 2008 at 11:58 pmWhen insomnia strikes I picture a US map and methodically go through each state naming as many cities as I can remember from each one. I usually fall asleep before I get through all the states.
Junebug – I’ve also fallen asleep right in the middle of praying for people too. The next day I feel bad I didn’t get to everyone on my prayer list!
Jason says
January 31, 2008 at 12:28 amI can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be than inside Bossy’s brain!
Hotdog says
January 31, 2008 at 12:49 amMy mind races at night too. Of course. I call tylenol PM, my “happy pills”. lol
Hotdog says
January 31, 2008 at 12:51 amp.s. it’s only 9:50pm here, not 12:50pm (see timestamp below)
Lisalisa says
January 31, 2008 at 12:52 am“Not in sand you idiot!” finished me off. Am giggling madly. As quietly as I can because my babies are sleeping nearby. Darn you Bossy.
supertiff says
January 31, 2008 at 1:44 amwow. that happened to me last night, too.
but i had vodka.
and i always get stuck at ’89.’
Kelley says
January 31, 2008 at 2:36 amMethinks Bossy should extend her road trip to include Australia and then she can continue contemplating her navel in the middle of the night watching my child WHO. DOES. NOT. SLEEP. hold kiddie dance raves in his room.
And I can get some sleep. Man, you had me at drawing a circle!
Claire in CA, USA says
January 31, 2008 at 4:52 amDexter. I just got done *tonight* watching the entire first season. Love him, love the show…but creepy.
Why try to go to sleep? I just stay up until I collapse. Like, it’s almost 2 a.m., and I have the flu, and my entire family is enjoying peaceful slumber – and I’ll sleep when I collapse, and dream (scream?) of Dexter.
wally cleaver says
January 31, 2008 at 7:49 amWhen I cant sleep, I make a nice cup of hot chocolate. But thats only to wash down the ambien or klonopin
Strizz says
January 31, 2008 at 8:56 amI stretch my toes and calf muscles. That usually does the trick. Maybe you should just drink more before bed. That works.
Brando says
January 31, 2008 at 1:46 pmI marvel at how you can make anything funny. This was just hysterical.
Tracey says
January 31, 2008 at 3:39 pmTry Nyquil. I swig it by the bottle. Works for me ;0)
Oh, The Joys says
January 31, 2008 at 9:17 pmgurl, this was damned funny.
BrentD says
January 31, 2008 at 10:47 pmDoesn’t QVC sell chicken flotation devices?
Kristabella says
January 31, 2008 at 11:23 pmMy mom always told me to imagine our whole body was falling asleep, starting at your toes and slowing working all the way up to your head.
I usually get to my shins before I remember that I didn’t turn off the oven and I think I locked my keys in my car and I forgot to send that email out at work.
And then I start all over again. One day I hope to get past my knees.
motherofbun says
January 31, 2008 at 11:23 pmYes, Tylenol PM. I should own stock in that company by now!
Elizabeth says
February 1, 2008 at 11:39 amOkay, I’ll admit it-when I first read this post I thought you were a little nuts to be falling asleep thinking about drawing imaginary numbers in imaginary sand. Until I, um, couldn’t sleep the other night and thought well HELL, I’ll try the BOSSY method.
I was asleep before I drew the number 97.
Natalie says
February 2, 2008 at 2:16 amWas this cocoa with peppermint schnapps? Nononono, you must have wine. The sugar in the cocoa and schnapps (while amazingly good) is enough to keep you up for five hundred gagillion hours.
Speaking from experience, of course.
Oh, and I worry about the length of my toenails when I have insomnia. I’m totally serious.
Annie says
February 3, 2008 at 4:49 pmMe + Ambien= Make out sessions I wish I didn’t have. I think I will stick with insomnia, at least this way I know I’m not doing the horizontal limbo with persons (or things) that I have no knowledge of.