When Bossy attended Grade School—back when protozoa and mollusks roamed the halls with the single mission of pulling down Bossy’s halter-top to expose her breast buds—Bullies looked like this:
According to Bossy’s daughter, these days the more common form of Bully looks like this:
Bossy’s Daughter hates Mean Girl Bullies. She hates them worse than seeing two friends bike past her bedroom window after they said they couldn’t play, she hates them worse than being invited for a hayride and then being told there isn’t enough room for her in the hay wagon.
In honor of Mean Girl Bullies, Bossy’s daughter wrote the following true story about a bully she likes to call Shite Heel. Actually Bossy’s Daughter likes to call her by her real name but Bossy doesn’t want to be sued by Shite Heel’s parents. Enjoy.
Hi. I am Shite Heel, and I just moved here and—what kind of a stupid school is this? I live a very bad life with my 17-year-old mom (lie), and my crime-committer dad who is in jail (lie.)
I am going to be in a play on Broadway and my co-star is Britney Spears (lie.) Isn’t that so amazing?
Sometimes I am actually nice to the other weirdos in my class and all of their weirdo friends. Like the time I picked up that girl’s pencil—and threw it halfway across the floor. And like the time I let that other girl cheat off my paper, which of course she wouldn’t do because she was afraid of getting in trouble (party pooper.) But while she was busy shushing me I managed to catch a glimpse at her paper. Yeah, I got 100% on that test.
But then I moved. I told all of my friends (lie) that I was moving to a mansion behind Rita’s Water Ice (lie.) And I also told them I could get free water ice whenever I wanted (lie.)