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i am bossy

Dear Restroom Architect.

rest-area-sign

Bossy is certain you meant well, and attended scads of upper-level classes on the Paleolithic Period and Neoclassical Elements, but what she really wants to talk about is this:

toilet

It’s not so much your selection of the Elongated Wall-hung Toilet with Rear Spud that is mounted perilously close to the floor — but why the olive drab tiles on a vector orientation paired with glazed cinderblock walls?

And Bossy would personally like to thank you for providing a convenient hook on the stall door so that, as a random example, someone on a 35-day Excellent Road Trip can hang her purse and her backpack and her camera and her self:

stall-door2

And then there’s the little matter of real estate:

feet

Would it have killed you to make the stall itself a little more generous in size? Don’t you know that all dog crates are supposed to allow their inhabitants to stand up and turn in small circles? Lucky thing you didn’t design the stall door to open inward! Oh wait:

open-door

And lastly:

hand-dryer

Bossy has never read the directions to this Inverse Vacuum, but it must go a little something like this:

Push button. Place wet hands in flow of air. Vigorously rub hands together until they are still wringing wet and then use those germy wet hands to exit the restroom so that the next person to touch that door handle gets wet cooties.

Love, Bossy.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Oh, Bossy! Where was the BEST rest stop. I seem to recall that Florida used to have some pretty nice ones but the ones in Indiana and Mississippi were yuck.

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  4. yes- the hook! WTF? In bulk they must cost all of 30 cents for a tacky brass hooker. Come on! I curse in hookless boxes.

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  5. If there was a contest for worst public toilet there would be multiple winners! I especially like the ones that have a piece of stainless steel for a mirror. That works so well!

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  6. That much toilet paper freaks me out. Makes me think they’re not coming in to clean all that often. That’s precisely why I have a porta-potty and kitty litter bags in the back of my SUV.

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  8. I have to have paper towels because I refuse to use my hands to open the door to exit. Otherwise I have to use my shirt.

    Entering is fine because you can usually lean on the door to push it open.

    I love those self-flushing toilets…unless they malfunction and activate too soon…pretending they are a bidet.

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  9. Bossy, it’s a “World” Hand Dryer. That means you can plug anywhere in the world and say, “How in the world do I operate this thing?”

    But you got to ask, those things don’t dry solid. Your hands are always a little moist. It’s just so damn hard to discern between sweaty palms, freshly washed hands or I missed the urinal and it went everywhere hands when you shake hands with a client. I guess it all depends on what part of the world they are from.

    Come over and see my ducklings.

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  13. After some toilets I’ve seen, Bossy should be happy for a door!

    And why aren’t there hooks!? Those floors are always WET for some reason and we are left holding the bag, so to speak.

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  14. I see you have not left a product review of the toilet with a spud-thingy. What gives? Kohler is probably just hanging on your every word!

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  15. Amen. I will never forget using a restroom at the San Diego Zoo while, say, 6 mos pregnant. Their doors open inward, too. I had NEVER thought about inward-swinging doors before, but I almost couldn’t get out.

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  17. Well if you have ever been to Italy….you would be hard pressed to fuss about that bathroom again. Ugly…yes, but it is clean.

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  18. I was also going to tell you about the Dyson airblade, which you can find in approximately ZERO bathrooms near you.

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  19. I’ve never left a comment before but I’ve been lurking for a while. This subject is bringing me out of hiding.

    I have 2 little kids, ages 3 & 5. You should try manuevering the stalls with all 3 of us in there. Plus, my 3 yr old is still kinda afraid of the big potty so I have to squat down and hold her while she “goes”. And then trying to get out of there with an in-swinging door!!! OMG it’s terrible! LOL

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  20. 1. “Push button”
    2. “Rub hands vigorously in air flow”
    3. “Repeat steps 1. and 2. at least twice”
    4. “Wipe wet hands on pants”
    5. “Ignore ‘Push button for a word from our President’ graffiti next to these instructions.

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  21. Ooooo Bossy!!! I hope you either had a never-ending supply of those little tissue toilet seat covers for your road trip, or you managed the “balancing act” really well!!! This certainly is the dark side of your adventure!!

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  22. I swear, men design restrooms. They push open the door (inward to the stall) and don’t bother to try to close it, let alone turn to sit down. They just figure, “yeah, I can pee in it” and that’s that. Oh and what about those giant toilet paper roll holders that you can’t pull more than one sheet off of? And the serated-ripper-thingy scrapes your hand when you try.

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  23. You brave, brave soul. Taking on rest stops for all the bloggers! Bravo. I on the other hand would find a way to hold it from Orlando to LA.

    World’s Best Invention: fully automated bathrooms. Even down to the toilet seat cover. Amen.

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  24. hahahaha i feel you girl…

    that hot dyson guy created a better way to dry hands with the “hand blade” or something like that

    i’ll stick to paper towels and pant legs

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  26. Sometimes I think that Bathroom Architects had a bet going: WHO COULD DESIGN THE MOST RIDICULOUS PUBLIC BATHROOM.
    I’ve actually been thinking of going on a road trip and logging all of the public bathrooms and writing a book about it. The title would be: “Public Potties for Mommies”. Whatta ya think?
    lol

    p.s. my book title is copyrighted-so don’t tries to steals mies ideas! ;-o

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  28. we have those dyson airblade thingys at our local mall and let me tell you they are RUBBISH! they do not dry your hands at all!

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  29. …Ewww, potty mouth…lol… Yeah, that’s when you hang your purse around your neck and bite your coat so nothing has to touch nothing in that stall! Remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s shoestrings touched the public bathroom floor and he didn’t wanna tie his shoes? Kinda like that. And have you ever bumped your head on one of those two way stall doors while you’re wipin’ and the door swings open? lol…I have. ;o)

    …All this potty talk, now I gotta go and wash my mouth out with soap, thank you very much.

    …Bossy blessings… :o)

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  30. My mom always told me not to hang my purse on the hook because clever thieves will be poised to reach right over the door of your stall and snatch it away. I was always all, well I’m sure has hell not putting it on the FLOOR! Even now, I routinely throw caution to the wind by hanging my purse on the hook (if there is one) and so far, my purse remains in my possession.

    Also? Hand dryers? I’m all for reducing waste and understand why McDonalds, who already generates metric tons of waste daily, should be at the forefront in that effort, but am I the only one who bypasses the damn hand dryer and goes straight out to wipe her hands on a NAPKIN?

    Although I must say, those new-generation super turbo dryers that will blow the skin right off of your hands? LOVE. THEM.

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  31. Oh, I guess your road trip included a bit more than just the finer things in life. Im still laughing (and feeling sorry for you) that you took your morning poops at McDonald’s every day. Welcome home!

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  32. This right here is why I don’t like to travel. It’s the restrooms. See, at home? I know the germs are there, because we put them there. But in public? *shudder*. And poor Bossy had to POO IN THEM.

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  33. OK, the title and the very first 6 words of this post alone(regardless of whatever was to follow, which was equally as hilarious) had me HOWLING with laughter, something that has not happened in a long time. (Thank you.)

    In addition, WET COOTIES is now on my list of favorite phrases.

    OF course, I heartily agree that it is very difficult to get shituated in those awful public restrooms.

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  34. HATE those dryers. I understand, less paper waste, less mess, green, blah blah blah.

    Looks like you had a lot of high points to see on your trip 😉

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  35. Many years ago, here in Oregon, the hooks were removed from the stall doors because thieves would reach over the door and steal your stuff just when you were most vulnerable. The crafty thieves started installing their own hooks.
    I haven’t heard of that happening in quite awhile though.

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  38. Don’t you know ANYTHING?!? Whenever you see the instructions “Push button” on any dryer, it is your moral duty to immediately scratch out the “on” so it says “Push butt”. hahahahahahHAHAHAHAHA!

    Thanks, I’ll be playing here all week. Don’t forget to tip your servers, and bathroom attendants..

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  39. The main reason purses have straps is so that you can hold them in your teeth when you drop trou in a public restroom.

    And those of us who are short actually appreciate the toilet being closer to the floor than usual because some of us were taught by our mothers that you’re never supposed to let your precious flesh touch a public toilet seat. Some of us were taught you were supposed to hover above the seat. Which is why some of us have freakishly strong thigh muscles.

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  43. Yeah… now try all that with one or 2 kids in tow!! One of those teach your kids to use a public restroom but where the heck am I gonna stand, or put purse or diaper bag or baby that’s in the carrier?
    OR – momma is going potty and child(ren) have to stand next to your knees while you do your business!!!
    Need hooks for hanging kids, too…
    And the Larry Craig rear spud joke.. priceless! Us Oregonians LOVE to bash that man!

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  46. OMG – that’s my kitchen floor. Only that appears to be circa 1975 Avocado. Mine is circa 1975 Golden Harvest.

    As for Italian bathrooms – there’s one public restroom in Verona that is like peeing in the middle of an Alphonse Mucha painting.

    Um … not that you’d /want/ to….but it is a beautiful bathroom.

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  47. Damn all that was missing from this delightful ladies room..was reading material conveniently placed on the walls and doors with a valuable list of phone numbers that you can call for a variety of escapades.

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  48. Damn all that was missing from this delightful ladies room..was reading material conveniently placed on the walls and doors with a valuable list of phone numbers that you can call for a variety of escapades.

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  50. You and I are on the same page about bathroom door handles. They are evil and from the devil.

    It is clear that Mr. Bathroom designer got his ideas from my 6 year old son. He walked up as I was reading this and declared, “That’s a pretty bathroom!” To which I replied, “aweo9iru0293 vlandfp0asedf” (It came out sounding like a snork) and he said, “What? It’s bright and shiny?”

    He is going to be one stinkin’ happy clam on our eternal drive to Grandma’s house in a couple of weeks (Canada to Arkansas) during which we may actually set foot in some of the same restrooms Bossy has set foot in. Gosh… I could sit on one of the same (likely unwashed since your visit) potties you have sat upon… (lost in thought……………) That is possibly the closest I may ever come to fame.

    ;^P

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  51. I’m so totally OCD, when my preschooler and I do the road trip thing each year, I usually wind up peeing in the ditch under an overpass.

    I’d rather risk exposing my blindingly white butt to passing traffic than deal with gas station restrooms any day.

    This post seals the deal.

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  53. There is absolutely nothing gnarlier than having to set your purse or backpack on the ground in a stall! If it’s a back pack, I usually just keep it on my back (and risk the weight tipping me into the potty) – the purse, I squeeze between my legs as I pull up my Spanx, and pray it doesn’t tip forward or backward and deposit its contents on the FLOOR or into the potty.
    Public bathrooms are veritable bacteria obstacle courses!

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  54. Hey, I think that’s the same guy that invented the automatic flush … which of course flushes repeatedly until your wet ass can’t take the filth of other people’s juices any longer. Yeah, that’s him.

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  56. “…because thieves would reach over the door and steal your stuff”

    I freakin’ *dare* them. A, I wrap the strap around the hook twice, and B, they would really not like the snapping sound their ulna makes. (Sorry, I’m in a BAD mood about broken arms today.)

    And yeah, those electric dryers are 15 kinds of stupid and evil. And the Dyson? Like the hot breath of the Oracle? I don’t think most people can use it without contaminating themselves on the way in or out.

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  57. I got to use one of those Air Blade thingies once. Took 3 months for the skin on my hands to grow back.

    I thought Bossy’d like to watch this interview of husband number Cusack by the lovely and talented (but watch out! maybe husband stealing) Diablo Cody.

    http://tinyurl.com/5hfw92

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  58. Okay, so I’m not going to be the first one to mention the Dyson Airblade (www.dysonairblade.com) here. I discovered it at the Minneapolis airport and kissed it longingly since James Dyson wasn’t there for me to kiss.

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  59. Dear Bossy and other wooses, obviously you are not mothers who have had children who play sports such as baseball. Which sometimes occurs at fields so far-flung as to be within peeing-your-pants distance of a real restroom. So one must use, before one’s bladder bursts, the same port-a-potty that is being used by the players. Who are boys. Who don’t care. In the summer. Which is HOT. So the facility gets beyond gross, cos it get cleaned about once-a-never. And when you’ve used a port-a-potty like that, a restroom such as Bossy used seems…palatial.

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  60. At our local beach restroom, someone had thoughtfully added a final instruction on the hand dryer’s list:

    wipe hands off on pants

    Yup, that sums it up.

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  61. Yes. I loathe public restrooms with a passion. I also actively avoid pooping anywhere but in the comforts of my private bathroom. I don’t know how you did it.

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  62. My daughter once thought a urinal cake was a bar of soap in a port-a-potty. I promised I wouldn’t put this bit of info on my blog, but I’m sure it’ll be safe here on Bossy’s bathroom post.

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  63. I have to smile – the vector pattern with the glazed cinderblock walls. I want to know who designed the bathrooms with a window right by the toilet. And I L-O-V-E the description on the hand dryers telling you how much better for the environment they are over paper towels.

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  64. luv the post! i as well HATE rest areas…except Germany has some cool ones and in Washington State they serve coffee and cookies!!!

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  67. You could have made this post ohhhh so much grosser than you did. But you did not, for you are too classy. Am I right? Or do you have another one in the works?

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  68. I went to South America once and we went to a concert by some famous south american singer, and had to pee. 3 of us american girls waited in line to the senoritas room and when we got in there, we turned and walked back out without peeing. The sight of a hole in the dirt and piles of poo that missed the hole and muddy pee oozing made the liquid in our bodies evaporate. I have yet to see a worser bathroom.

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  70. I fricking HATE THOSE AUTOMATIC BULLSHIT HAND DRYERS!!! Yes, you’re quite right. They dry NOTHING!!! NOTHING, I SAY!!!

    I also happen to strongly dislike the automatic flush toilets FLUSHING…WHEN I’M STILL SITTING ON THE BASTARD!!

    So, I leave the restroom with much less urine and poopoo, but with wet hands and wet balls.

    Nice.

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  71. Clearly designed by a man. Can you imagine being the poor soul who has to clean those damn things, every day of their life? Blech.

    You’re a brave, brave woman, Bossy.

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  72. …and I’m sure Bossy has seen the “new-fanangled” style of hand dryer that SCARE THE SH*T out of you with their jet powered engine.

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  75. The world does not need urine-colored bathroom floor tiles. What the world needs is men who will wipe up their own damn drips, thankyouverymuch.

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  77. Ok, doors that open inward… suck. No hooks (or doors that swing open when you hang something on the hook)… sucky-er. Narrow stalls… major suck. Toiletpaper dispensers that are A) RIGHT NEXT TO THE DAMN TOILET, and B) SIX-WHOLE INCHES ABOVE THE FILTHY FLOOR… total suck-o-la.

    Public restrooms, yet another reason I like to stay home.

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  79. Last road trip, I took an urgent stop at one of the nastier places ev-ahh. I swear I even used a Handi-Wipe (essential gear) to swipe off the bottom of my shoes before getting into my car!

    Personally, I’m more comfortable about t.c.b. – outside in nature behind the nearest tree!

    Bossy has my sympathies … perhaps you should get a penicillin shot!

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  80. Last road trip, I took an urgent stop at one of the nastier places ev-ahh. I swear I even used a Handi-Wipe (essential gear) to swipe off the bottom of my shoes before getting into my car!

    Personally, I’m more comfortable about t.c.b. – outside in nature behind the nearest tree!

    Bossy has my sympathies … perhaps you should get a penicillin shot!

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  82. Sing it, sistah. The last place I want to put down my purse is on the floor of a rest stop bathroom. *shudder*

    And…the air hand dryers simply disperse the germs to a wider area. Hooray.

    I’ve been known to dry my hands with the toilet seat covers, provided they have some.

    Good times.

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  83. I hate public bathrooms. I always wondered if we could get us bloggers to rate and print the bad bathrooms so we’d never return to the restaurants who have them… We have an IHop here that makes me sick. I will never go back there…it was filthy twice and I complained and it didn’t change..good for you giving us the picture of yet another inefficient bathroom.. They aren’t designed by architects..they must be designed by idiots..

    Dorothy from grammology
    remember to call gram
    http://www.grammology.com

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  86. Bossy has done an admirable job on this PSA about public restrooms.

    I always hate the fact that the tp is positioned right at your knees so you have to get any off the roll!

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  88. gotta love those public rest rooms.

    You can’t really call them “rest” rooms because you spend all your time worrying about what you are touching, breathing, catching while in there….and you can’t call them a “bath” room because you can’t take a bath, nor would you want to take a bath in one.

    Maybe bladder humiliation room, or Koody catcher commode….what do you think?

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  89. Wet cooties? I’d never thought of it like that. Crude but true.

    At least it wasn’t a porta potty. Whoever invented those things needs to be shot.

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  90. Great post! I think many women include in the evaluation of a restaurant the design of the bathroom. I love it when I am surprised by an exceptional restroom.

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  91. EIGHT rolls of toilet paper? All just hanging out there for the taking? What the architect messed up on design, he certainly made up for with TP availability.

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  92. This is why I would rather NOT use public restrooms. Like the one I visited last night. The floor was wet from what I dare not think about and the hint of sewer gas was the perfect accompanying aroma for this horrible bar I visited last night.

    My head hurts today. I am blaming either the sewer gas or the bottom-shelf whiskey I consumed.

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  94. You mean that white hair dryer thing is for your hands!?! I thought it was to keep the wing in your hair, and the butt – I mean back – of your pants was for drying your hands. I ALWAYS bring a spray bottle of bleach into the public restroom with me and spritz around with it before using the toilet. I also wash my hands in the sink and then after I get out of the restroom, wash them again with hand sanitizer!

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  95. The crazy air blaster dryers are cool…
    And yeah, after dealing with porta potties at festivals, regular bathrooms seem almost tame. 😛
    Very amusing post. 😀

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  97. As an Architect, who in fact has designed restrooms, all I can say is this: if you have been delegated the task of designing the TOILET ROOM, you are seriously low on the employment structure….

    Kind of like the guy who scrapes the gum off from under that tables at a restaurant. There is a reason he got the job that no one else wanted.

    🙂

    Funny, funny stuff!

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  98. Never again will I complain about an AMerican public restroom. I was in Turkey recently and it was…….are you ready? A Frikkin hole in the ground! You are supposed to lean against the wall and squat a bit and then let it rip. Uh, thank you, but no, I will hold it forever!

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