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For Those Of You Who Missed Tom Cruise On Friday’s Oprah.

It’s been three years since Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s sofa and Bossy discovered he was actually King Tut. This past Friday, the actor agreed to an Oprah interview in his Telluride home in order to appear likeable celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of his acting career.

First Oprah drove up a steep Colorado mountain and through the stand of Aspen trees that line the Cruise driveway:

oprah-in-telluride

And before Oprah was even out of her car, she was all, “Oh my gah the stunning view!”

cruise-holmes-view

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were already in their driveway to greet Oprah—and about their fantastic Telluride view, Tom and Katie were all, “Right?”

cruise-oprah-interview

Next Katie said her goodbyes in order to take care of important business, and that important business was getting lost while her husband gave the interview, because Katie is so much more than just Tom’s wife, and don’t you forget it. But on her way out the door, Katie called out, “I love you!” Twice.

katie-holmes-oprah

In Katie’s absence, Tom decided to give Oprah a tour of his home, and the first stop was their very ordinary, fifteen million dollar kitchen:

cruise-holmes-kitchen2

And then with swelling pride, Tom Cruise walked Oprah past a colorful piece of framed art painted by his oldest daughter, Not Suri Isabella:

cruise-artwork

And then finally Oprah and Tom sat down in Tom’s living room and Oprah got right into it, “Tom, what about the couch incident?”

oprah-cruise-interview

And Tom was all, “Yeah, about that…”

oprah-asks

And then Oprah asked Tom about his thoughts on post-partum depression and the comments he made against Brooke Shields, and his YouTube Scientology preaching, and the rumor that Tom isn’t Suri’s biological father, and his custody agreement with Nicole, and his relationship with the new in-laws:

cruise-closeup

And then Oprah talked about how relaxed Tom and Katie’s house seemed, and how Oprah was comfortable enough to interview with bare feet:

oprahs-foot

And then Oprah commented about how relaxed Tom Cruise was, and the fact that she had never seen Tom Cruise that darn relaxed in all his life:

tom-cruise-relaxes

And then Tom put Oprah on the back of a snowmobile and took her to a secret spot with an amazing vista, and Oprah took it all in and then turned to Tom and said, “I deeply wish for you all of the peace that this view can bring.”

cruise-telluride-view2

Or You Could Just See For Yourself

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Seriously? I read the title, and as the first picture began to load, I said out loud, “No she didn’t.”
    But you’re Bossy.
    And so, “Yes she did.”
    And she did it damn well.

    This was fucking hilarious. I hope you don’t mind the swear.

    Reply

  3. I love how your tom cruise doesnt have a head, and the fact that they’re house is in an average persons location of things that are used very infrequently

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  4. For a split second I thought Oprah was driving Bossy’s Saturn convertable!

    I’ve become suspicious of Oprah and Tom’s relationship. What kind of guy opens his fly in the kitchen? God only knows what happened on the couch after Bossy left.

    At’s all about publicity isn’t it?

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  8. Outstanding. Your casting is impeccable, as per usual. Tom looked so relaxed, I thought his pants might just slip off. He has nice pecs for a headless doofus.

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  11. I was just thinking how much I miss Bossy’s photoshopping. So Yay! And, he’s such a freak and I LOVE that Katie is a baby doll. Perfect in so many ways.

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  14. Where was Katie’s coat when she left? It was all snowy outside and she had no coat on. And where were the children? She said she was taking them to town. Do they live outside? Or in a different building? And Oprah called her Kate because, after all, she is a mother now and Katie is a child’s name…

    Bossy, thank you so much for the Return to Bossy’s Theater.

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  15. I missed the TV show (on purpose) and I’m glad I did since this version was more truthful and I’m sure a lot funnier.

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  16. To be honest, this is my first read-through of Bossy theater. I’m usually too ADD to read them through, but this, my dear Bossy, is a classic.

    You have expressed my love for Tom Cruise in a way that makes me realize my love is pretend love – just like the headless Ken doll he is.

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  17. i’m with suzy. i’m a novice at bossy reading, but if you’re posts are all like this, i’m hooked. off to subscribe. and i agree with everyone else. TC is so much better without a head.

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  18. I cannot even begin to decide which one of them sickens me the most. Oprah or Tom.. it’s damned near a tie.
    you cracked me up though..and I am glad I didn’t watch the real thing.. Ew.

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  19. I noticed that somewhere between the kitchen and the living room, Tom noticed that his fly was riding a little low and pulled it up. He didn’t want Oprah to get any ideas about why Tom sent Katie away.

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  20. I’m laughing so hard at this post, and even harder at Jenn Juggling Life’s comment.

    You have a brilliant, brilliant, slightly askew mind.

    And that’s why I love you.

    Reply

  21. I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile! Tom is so MUCH easier to take without that annoying shit-eating grin of his. It’s just plain creepy.
    I’m pretty sure that was a stunt Katie…the real Katie is much taller than Tom with or without his head).

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  22. Thank you for paraphrasing the interview for me because I couldn’t be bothered to watch the real one. I’m certain that you have all the information down accurately, anyhow. 😀

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  23. Man, it was sooo awkward when Katie was saying goodbye to Tom and Oprah and she kept saying “I love you” in a very weird, uncomfortable way. It felt so contrived.

    So did Katie skip the interview so that:

    a) The interview would be just about Tom and a chance to redeem himself

    b) Because it would be soooo obvious how weird Tom & Katie’s relationship is

    c) Both

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  24. Yes! It was EXACTLY like this–except you did not show Oprah’s cubby with its personalized nameplate. (Did it seem to you like someone was trying a little too hard or what? I was “skeert,” as Ms. Thang would say.) I thought they both seemed really uncomfortable. Which made me uncomfortable. Which is why I missed O’s inspOrational line about the view. I just couldn’t take any more.

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  27. Your recap had to be more entertaining than the real thing. I went over to Oprah.com and they say they have 8 photos, but there are actually only 5, because 4 are the same headshot of sweating tom.

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  29. OMG – that was hilariously funny! I saw the entire interview…..and I thought yours was right on! He skirted around every topic she brought up. I love that you portrayed him headless……as that’s exactly how I’ve thought of him since he started running his big mounth a few years ago. Yep! He was trying to redeem himself….but you know what? I sensed tension or something between them. And how about how he kept saying that Oprah “egged him on”! In the couch jumping incident.

    You are definitely up for a nomination for this…….that’s one of the reason’s I can’t miss reading you everyday!

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  35. Oh my god, you are hilarious. Your version is so much better than having to suffer through watching that twit try to convince us how very HAPPY he is with his PERFECTLY HETEROSEXUAL and SIMPLY AMAZING life with the Kate-bot… I am definitely sending this to everyone I know.

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  37. Whoo hoo! Bossy’s back!!

    Nicely done – but I have never seen Tom without a shirt, that would be my only complaint – other than that, spot on!

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  41. Another Bossy public service. Thank you for watching this for me so that I don’t have to. Watching either of them is like chewing coffee grinds to me–vile as is, but so much better if filtered and warmed up.

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  44. I saw the real live interview and lemme tell you, Tom is wound so tightly, I’m surprised his head doesn’t really pop off his neck. I loved when she asked if the entire family, including Nicole, has all gotten together. Ahhhh, yeah, that’ll happen.

    BTW, Oprah’s real feet looked as bad as the doll’s. Ew.

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  51. Are you for REAL??????

    Brilliant. I loved EVERY letter.

    What else is locked inside that freakishly gifted brain of yours?

    And DAMN that I missed your road trip stop in Atlanta.

    Tom HAS lost his head. Katie IS but a mere child….. but sorry – Oprah, despite looking better than ev-ah, will nev-ah look like black Barbie.

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  54. Oh. Mah. Gawd.

    I laughed so hard I peed in mah pants just a wee bit, and then I had this sudden urge to make out with Bossy.

    Tom Cruise can kiss mah grits. But Mizz Bossy may kiss me anywhere she likes, because YOU KICK ASS.

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  55. Bossy theatre is so much more INSIGHTFUL than the real Oprah. I was hoping for a Bossy theatre on the day Julia Roberts was demonstrating her composting skills and it was sorta like “this is how I mash up the compost when I am on television, which is once and a while, otherwise the housekeeper mashes it with way more GUSTO” and the part where she coffed to not wearing pit wipe and then Oprah was all like “mmmm and you smell lovely anyway” and then her black face turned green. That is prime Bossy theatre stuff.

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  57. Bossy, I’ve got to say that was one of your greatest and most funny posts. Babie Katie and headless Tom. Ophrah with her foot in the air!! Hilarious stuff. I didn’t see the interview but now I don’t have to. Thanks.

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  58. I don’t think Oprah was ever so skinny. And Tom is much improved headless.

    Also? It’s quite possible that you have WAY too much time on your hands now that you are home again.

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  60. Whenever I’m reminded of Cruise’s insensitive and asinine remarks about Brooke Shields, it still pisses me off. My oldest and my youngest have mental health issues which they are predisposed to due to family genetics. My youngest at age 8 was diagnosed with severe anxiety to the point where he was refusing to leave the house.

    The main thing that has helped him was the very small dosage of prozac that he takes every day. It has allowed him to be the gregarious, charismatic child he was before his anxiety overtook his life. Unless you have been there, don’t judge me or my child.

    Thank you for portraying Cruise exactly as he is – a headless dolt.

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  63. Bossy I was crying so hard with laughter reading this I almost peed. I have the show on DVR but I think this one is far better.

    Did you watch the sex and the city cast? Headless could have been BIG!

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  64. Oh, my, you see I didn’t know of your talents with Ken and Barbie. Oh, no, I did not. I just thought you were this cool chick who breezed through my town and kept on going, with few complaints other than occasional constipation.

    God, you ARE funny!

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  67. Bossy saved my eyes from having to watch Oprah swoon all over Tom.

    And Bossy saved my brain from having to be removed and washed with 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner to get the image of madness out of it.

    Bossy is my God. I will jump on a couch for you Bossy. As soon as I clear it of all the laundry and kid crap that is…

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  69. So bossily funny!

    And, let’s be honest, the real reason they did the interview at HIS house, on HIS couch, was girlfriend said,

    “Im not letting him ruin MY furniture again, if he wants some Oprah-style PR to try to patch up his wacky, sciento-freako image, we’re gonna have to do it at his place!”

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  70. Katie should have been standing on a brick or something since she’s taller than Tom. I always laugh at that to see pictures of the two of them together and how she towers over him.

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  72. So glad to have the Bossy notes — I had to change the channel after the stomach-churning “your kitchen is so normal,” comment.

    Honestly, I can’t believe I even made it past the shearling-lined personalized Oprah clogs they had waiting for her in her own cubby.

    Va. Mit.

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  74. Boy you are naughty!!! And very funny… I am so relieved that it’s not only Aussies who think TC is a bit of a … ummm… loose screw. So to speak.
    🙂
    BB

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  78. Muhahahahahahahahaha~gag~cough~hahahahaha!

    Thank you, bossy!!!

    Yay!!! Do Sex and the City next!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  80. Thank goodness! Now I do not have to watch the show. Bossy’s version is so accurate, there’s nothing left to the imagination.

    Except Tom’s head.

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  85. Even though I missed (avoided) the Tom Cruise interview, I can tell without a doubt that this version was much better.

    You had a lot less commercial breaks.

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  86. I feel sorry for Tom – he made some dumb comments, sure, but he’s matured since then. Apologized and everything. If he says anything, it’s taken out of context or he’s being egotistical; if he doesn’t say anything, he’s being secretive. Why are people so eager to find wrong?

    Having said that: brilliant re-enactment!

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  87. Talk about a train wreck. One of those you just have to watch because of how stupid you know it is going to be. Well Tom and Oprah did not disappoint. BTW, I only saw it because the wife DVR’ed it and she controls the remote.

    Quite frankly I’m not sure how he managed 25 years in the business. His acting and the whole interview was so fake. “Oh, I was taken out of context with the Matt Lauer thing”. OK, then why didn’t you straighten it out back then? Could it be there was a movie in the making that needed the publicity????????

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  91. Thanks for the recap. Hysterical!

    I watched about five minutes of the real thing, got bored and a little weirded out so I changed the channel.

    Loooooved Katie.

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  92. Wow! Just wow.

    I am ashamed to admit I watched it. It seemed odd, but now it seems hilarious. Leave it to Bossy and a passel of scalliwag Barbies to find the humor in Tom Cruise’s life.

    You rock!

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  93. Bossy, you seem to be responsible for an awful lot of Early-Onset Incontinence. I did some strange silent laughter, as my employer would not find this NEARLY as funny as I did.

    And Oprah has either been going 24/7 with her personal trainer or she was rockin’ the full-body SPANX.

    Fabulousness, muchas gracias.

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  96. Thank you, Bossy. This is a wonderful public service posting for those of us who were too afraid to watch the real thing.

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  97. Katie: “I love you! I love you Tom!”

    Tom: (TEETH SMILE)

    Oprah: (this is awkward…) “I love you too Katie!”

    Katie: (must appear unphased!) “Oh! Ha ha! I love you too Oprah!”

    Tom: (GRITTING TEETH SMILE)

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  98. Seriously, what the hell was with Tom Cruise’s voice? ‘Controlled whisper’ was such a great description. I find the idea that their whole life is a fabrication to be strange, but goodness, they’re also quite a bit like pod people or something. They give me the chills.

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  100. It kills me to say this, but BOSSY? This thing is so beyond brilliant that we can just stare at it, gurgling in awe, all week. You won’t have to post ANYTHING for a long,long time.

    (But for the love of Oprah, I mean God, please do!)

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  101. I didn’t watch the actual Oprah thing because horror shows do something to my brain, and if it involves Tom Cruise, you know it’s going to be creepy. Yours was just creepy enough without being over the top, though, and of course I’m sure it was factually accurate.

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  102. snort. “stunt cupcake”

    I’m assuming that the noticeably taller version of Tom was an homage to the lifts he was wearing when he met Oprah in the driveway?

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  109. Did Bossy run to the local good will to scavenge for “Tom” and “Oprah,” or has Bossy had them forever and plays Tom and Oprah all the time?

    You are a clever one Ms. B.

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  110. “Goat in a briar patch!” Stop it! I really only barely missed spewing coffee out of my mouth like in the movies… because I’m so Hollywood like that. ;-p

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  112. …that confirms my suspicions. The Tom Cruise we knew from days of ‘Legend’ has been replaced…oh and the quote where Oprah says, “I don’t think America knows what it’s like to be hunted like a dog.”
    …

    I don’t think Oprah realizes what it is to be f-in America.

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  114. Dear Bossy,
    Delurking to let you know you nearly killed me. And I liked it. You are brilliant.

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  116. This led to me spending about 100minutes watching Oprah and Letterman clips on youtube! Thanks for that *rolls eyes* 🙂

    I must remember to get out more… or at least go out before I sit down to read Bossy – lol

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  117. Uh oh. All this time I didn’t know that was actually Oprah in my daughter’s room.

    That is kind of creepy. Especially since in my daughter’s room, Oprah is usually naked.

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  118. p.s. I just thought of it, but now that I left that comment, I think you’re going to start getting google hits on “Oprah naked.”

    And won’t those be nice new readers?

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  119. …This was great! Yeah, I turned on the TV saw that Tom Cruise was on and turned off the TV. He’s a goob and your version without the head was so much easier to stomach…

    …Thanks Bossy!

    …Blessings… :o)

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  123. My heart started racing when I realized that this was going to be yet another bossy production with our favorite cast of characters.
    BOSSY…listen to me..you need to OWN these productions…COPYWRITE. Something….
    too damn funny..too brilliant.

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  131. Are the dolls pissed you didn’t take them on the Road Trip?

    Did you ever see the South Park Scientology episode?:

    “Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet! Tom Cruise won’t come out of the closet!”

    Hee Hee!

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  133. Oprah + Tom Cruise is not my idea of good viewing but your recap makes me wanna see it! I don’t think i could watch it with a straight face now. In fact, because of you I think I can stomach the Oprah and Tom combination without throwing up, but with lots of laughter instead.

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  136. Miss O doesn’t want the truth b/c she can’t handle the truth………….that dear Bossy was hilarious!

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  137. I love it. I also love the headless Tom. Although, he was so much taller than Katie. I like the impression of how much more in control he is over katie by the fact that you showed such height difference.

    WTF WAS Katie doing while he did the interview? Don’t they have a nanny or something?

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  139. After reading this, I feel like I was *there* man. Except the Katie doll should be much taller, dwarfing Tom. Just sayin’.

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  141. I was staying at a house about the size of Tom Cruise’s when I saw someone watching that. Of course, it was 20 women staying there for the weekend at 200 bucks a pop. I gagged and wandered away from the TV and found a glass of wine. Time much better spent than watching mega-millionaires trying to spin their lives so we love them and thus allow them to make more money.

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  142. Yeah, I thought the same thing about the state of the art kitchen when Oprah said, “it’s so normal.” and I was all “yeah for you Oprah, cuz we all know how tight your budget is.”

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  145. HOLY SHIT. So, screw the male gender all together, we’re getting married, right? It’s one in the morning and I am alone in my apartment laughing as loud as humanly possible. If it weren’t for the drugs, my neighbors would think I was crazy. This is so. fing. funny.

    And now I’m going to watch the real thing, so I can get all creeped out.

    I love yoU!

    Reply

  146. Bossy, Bossy, Bossy. ((standing ovation))

    Just when I was pining away for another Bossy Theah-ta Production … here you go! I am deeply grateful that you’ve recapped Oprah’s visit to Tom and Katie, er, Kate – since I missed the live version.

    Watching Oprah-live must have slipped my mind when I was re-arranging my sock drawer.

    xoxox

    Reply

  147. That was frickin’ hilarious!

    I just finished watching the interview last night. Not because I like him, but just for laughs. I LOVED watching him squirm. He gives me the heebie-jeebies!

    Nice job Bossy! Love the landscape view…

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  151. You are the coolest cool kid in blogerville. You are so OPRAH bound! Think she would find this as funny as the rest of us? I wish a was a kazillionaire because I would slip some cash your way so you could make this into a film or something.
    Cheers, Tracey

    Reply

  154. Okay, I ambled over here from Fussy and I wish I had ran. This is just too hilarious!

    I really think both PR teams would be satisfied with how their respective clients were portrayed.

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  155. Oprah is looking fine. I wonder if it was pilates? Yoga? Some sort of money rub?
    Tom is also looking more fit than he has in ages. I like his new hair cut.

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  161. This was S P E C T A C U L A R !!!!! no kidding….it should be on utube and TV… very creative!!! You positively nailed it!!
    Pam, South Bend

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  163. And Oprah was all, “Oh no she didn’t!”

    Love it. Absolutely hilarious! I’ll never look at my daughter’s Barbies the same.

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  165. OMG! That was so hilarious! I just had to laugh out loud. And my husband just had to ask me what was so funny. And I just had to tell him. OMG! Thanks!

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  169. ROFLOL! Thank you so much for sharing this, you are a genius! And the one special thing that I loved most is that Tom is headless… giggles! Greetings from rural Germany – Lola

    Reply

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